


you're in my veins (and i can't get you out)

by LilaacStars



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir Identity Reveal, Angst, Canon Divergence, F/M, Happy Ending, Identity Reveal, Identity Shenigans, Lady Noire - Freeform, LadyNoir - Freeform, Post-Reveal Pre-Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Reveal Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, TW: Betrayal, also master fu is still guardian for fic proposes, and exploring complicated feelings, bc fuck miss canon who is she we don't know her, broken realtionships, consequences of falling in love, ladrien, partial reveal, post reveal pre relationship, this is not a salt fic i just like angst, tw: blood descriptions, tw: wounds
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:00:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 31,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24380947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilaacStars/pseuds/LilaacStars
Summary: She knows they weren’t in danger. Not like her.And yet, she is the only one still standing, ready to battle.She is all alone.She shouldn’t be.She should never be alone. That’s why she has a partner, that’s how it is supposed to be.Then...Where is he?
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, ladynoir
Comments: 68
Kudos: 266





	1. open wounds.

**Author's Note:**

> so i've been writing this for a looooong time now.  
> and i decided to break it into 2 (or 3) parts, bc i love long stuff but this was getting out of control and sometimes i think that reading more than 20k gets a little bit messy, so yeah 
> 
> hope you enjoy it! and please if you see any typos or anything don’t murder me, this is very long and I’m very small and weak lol

Her eyes close unwillingly. 

She needs to open them, see all around her and make an idea of what is happening but her body won’t allow her. Nor the exterior world. 

First, and most importantly, the pain rushing up and down her body is excruciating. 

Her right arm and leg don’t give responses to any order, they won’t move, they only ache. Ache as nothing has ever has ached in her body before. 

When her eyelashes flutter, as she fights to open her eyes that shut down tightly as she bites her lip as harshly, she feels a warm liquid run down her face, the smell and texture make it easy to recognize it, she has dealt with heavy blood before. 

The smell of fire, the burning buildings, and trees make her choke and prick her eyes.

There are so many sensations and yet she can’t grasp all of them because the pain overshadows everything. 

And it isn’t only physical. 

What hurts the most is knowing _how_ she got into this situation. 

How everything had gone so, so _wrong_ in less than a second. Yet, she knows the tragedy had been building up for hours, and the problems of those hours are consequences of months of other kinds of aching and wonder. 

Marinette should have known better.

 _Ladybug_ should have known better. But how could she? She trusts him, she never imagined… 

A loud burst makes her jolt in her place, making her bend her body unwillingly and as a consequence spreads more pain in her body. 

Marinette bites her lip to not let the scream that is building up in her throat free. 

There is no one around and that’s how it should stay, if someone comes and sees her then she might give away her secret. 

She opens her mouth, her tongue is dry, and yet sticky, the metallic flavor of fresh blood drenches it. It is hard to form words, but she must. 

“Tikki?” She calls, very low, very weak, yet she hopes it is enough. 

Something moves close to her hand and gently strokes her knuckles.

Marinette tries her best to keep her eyes open and there, right on top of the back of her hand, she finds Tikki. She looks as far gone as Marinette feels.

“We…” She starts but gets interrupted. 

“ _Food._ ”

A sigh escapes from her quivering lips and with her good hand, she brings the little purse close to her lap. She feels wetness under her shirt and she avoids looking at that place, if she does, she will freak out even more and what she needs right now is to stay focused and leave all the panic behind. 

It’s hard to open the bag and when she finally does, disappointment looks back at her. 

There’s chapstick, a bag of kleenex, and cookie crumbles. 

Marinette gulps and looks up to not cry. 

“Ma…” Tikki starts and then coughs. 

She shakes her head a little and sniffs. 

“Just crumbles,” Marinette says shakingly. 

“Oh,” Tikki answers.

Tikki looks at her with sad eyes. 

She knows what this means. 

She knows and yet she can’t find a way around it. 

“Try,” Marinette begs. 

Tikki nods weakly, she understands. 

Marinette wonders how many times the little magic creature has gone through this situation. 

Marinette needs the suit. It is her only way out, it’s her only shield against dead right now.

Because that’s what she is facing, she knows it well. 

There’s too much blood, and broken bones, there’s too much strength lost. 

She looks at the sky, something she had been trying not to do, but she can’t keep herself from doing it anymore. 

She waits a few seconds, then a minute, but nothing happens. No shadow crosses the sky but the ones of the blasting fires and bombs. 

A bitter taste mixes with the one of blood, and she finally lets out a few tears. 

Tikki is moving on her hand, she floats low and moves slowly. 

The crumbles are not enough, she never imagined they would be, but at that moment the little piece of hope in her heart dies. 

“How long?” Marinette asks, she moves against the wall, trying to find a more comfortable position, but soon she learns that that is impossible.

“I don’t know, Marinette,” Tikki says and sniffs, looking away from her.

That says it all. 

Marinette throws her head back. 

It’s worse than she expected. 

It won’t be enough, she can feel it. Yet, it’s her only choice. 

Her goal is to stay alive and it’s turning more complicated to reach it… but no impossible. She won’t allow herself to think it’s all lost. 

She can make it. 

She _must_ make it. 

Her brain starts to work fast and answer come flying. Her body might not answer her, but she knows her brain won’t ever disappoint her. 

A small plan starts to tie down inside her mind. 

Magic is what drains Tikki the most, which means that she will have to take care of the akuma without using her lucky charm. If she wants to make it to the hospital in one piece she must defeat the enemy with what she can find around. 

“Let’s do this, Tikki,” She whispers and then calls for her transformation. 

The climb back up to the roofs is hard and heavy. 

She is slow, clumsy, but she keeps going. Marinette keeps only one thought on the front of her mind, one to keep her going, one to reassure her that she can triumph. 

She already _knows_ where the akuma is, she knows the villain’s weakness. After all, she was about to take him down when she got hurt.

And then…

Where is he?

Marinette can’t help but wonder. The thoughts of him cloud her mind and she becomes slower. 

To not see him crossing the sky, to not hear him call her name, it is odd… He is _nowhere_ to be found. 

Her teeth chirp at the recent memory. It doesn’t last long, it is only a second of watching him jump away and then the curtain of smoke hits her and so the fire and the debris and the wall and the floor and… 

She hopes he is hurt.

Her hopes are obscure, but it is the only way her heart will stop aching in the way it is. With betrayal. 

The thing is, she knows they weren’t in danger. Not like her. 

And yet, she is the only one still standing for battle. 

She is all alone.

She shouldn’t be.

She should never be alone. That’s why she has a partner, that’s how it is supposed to be. 

Then... 

_Where is he?_

Marinette shakes her head. She must keep her mind on the goal, she must finish this up and then she can whine all she wants to. Once this is finished, once she is safe, once she is not on the edge of death. 

She is going against the clock. 

Every step she gives feels like landing on a pile of needles, but she keeps running, she keeps her plan going. 

Clouds cover the sky once again and she knows that the akuma will be here any second now. 

_“Ladybug!_ ” 

She turns around, snapping like an elastic band, and so does everything inside her. 

It hurts, but not as much as the vision in front of her. 

There he is, and Ryuuko behind him. 

Their suits look the same, not a hair out of place, not even sweat. 

She tries to speak but the only thing she can focus on is on Chat’s eyes taking her in. 

How bad must she look?

How bad must it be for him to take so much time processing what’s going on with her?

She can feel the blood dripping on her forehead. It will not look as bad as it does in her civilian form, she knows this because the suit doesn’t only cover her body but it also offers a glamour. The image of a superhero is important, and hiding the wounds serves its purpose. If the citizens could see all their wounds they would be panic harder that they did every time they fought. 

This glamour is one of the reasons why she knows she must be in critical danger. 

If the curtain of blood covering half of her face is intact even in the suit, then the magic can’t do much to cover it up. 

Fortunately, her leg and arm can move, they do not work as her healthy limbs do, but being able to walk and swing it it’s enough right now. 

“ _Ladybug?_ ” He asks, his words shake with the quiver of his lips. 

Rage bubbles in her stomach when hearing him call her that. Again. When she is hurt. 

How dare he? 

Then it all happens so fast. 

Spite is a powerful force, she discovers. She has never been able to defeat an akuma with just a rock she found in the debris, but here she is, taking it, pulling one of her hair ties and using it to wrap it around the rock and help her to get a better shot. 

She takes the yo-yo and throws the stone at the same time. 

It all happens so fast, and she is so weak, she can barely remember how she gets to break the akuma’s object.

She doesn’t get the butterfly, but she can’t care less about it. 

Marinette has defeated the akuma. She’s done it, and she can’t even remember how because her brain and body act all on their own.

Just like that, it stops working. 

She falls on the next building and screams. She can feel her broken ribs pierce inside her body. 

The tik-tok of the imaginary clock inside her mind is louder and yet it’s diffuse. 

_Stand up. Stand up. Stand up. Stand up._

She must get to a hospital. The magic fades slowly from her, the blood runs down her stomach, down her leg, it gets worse on her forehead. Her arm is starting to get numb again. 

She must leave. 

But everything around her is swirling and twisting, every sound is unintelligible and she feels like puking. 

She tries to stand up but her legs feel like gelatine. 

The familiar sound of a pair of boots landing on the roof alerts her of danger. 

Marinette looks up and watches his concerned expression. He looks like he is going to puke too. 

Chat is pale, his eyes are dead and he won’t stop shaking. 

He reaches for her, his clawed fingers stroke her wrist.

She sees red.

 _“Don’t fucking touch me!”_ She shrieks and jolts away from him. 

The thought of his touch feels dirty, it feels like it will burn. 

“Ladybug, let us help you,” Ryuuko gets close. One hand on Chat’s shoulder, kneeling down to offer her friendly hand. 

She doesn’t answer with words this time. She rejects her help by standing up on her own.

She is unstable, tumbling a little but she still has a little bit of energy to do this on her own. 

Alone. 

One last look at those green eyes and she knows it’s time. 

She runs away from them. 

At this point, her hopes don’t lie in finding a hospital close, so she jumps with heaviness in her heard, hoping to catch an ambulance on the ground. 

**xx**

The hospital bed is lonely but safe.

She has never cared so much about safety after seeing the look on her parents’ faces when she first woke up after the surgery. 

It’s been four days after it and things look as dull as they did when she first opened her eyes. 

Usually, it is easy to lie, and it should be easy to do so with all the excuses she has on hand. 

The city is destroyed, a thousand if not more civilians are severely injured, she could blend rather easily. Nonetheless, her parents _know_. 

She can’t do anything about it. 

She doesn’t want to do anything about it. 

Having their support with them fully knowing what happened gives her a sense of relief that she can’t compare to any other thing in the world. 

It also gives her an alibi. 

Her parents may know who she is, but the rest of Paris must remain blind to it. 

Because one day she will come back, once she heals and has her strength back she’ll return to being Ladybug and she can’t have anyone connecting the dots to her. 

Everyone knows Ladybug is hurt. 

The video is everywhere. 

From the internet to the TV news, it is on everyone’s mouths, people won’t stop talking about it. 

Marinette gulps. 

She has only seen the video once and she won’t ever see it again. It only confirms what she already knows and it only increases her pain. 

A layer of tears covers her eyes and she softly kicks the mattress with her fist.

She can’t keep crying every time she thinks of him. It will be impossible to live a normal life if she does. 

Marinette looks up at the TV. She feels like changing it to watch the news, to get a glimpse of what is going on, yet she stops the thought. 

She knows what is going on, it doesn’t take a genius to realize that Paris is in the mid of a panic attack. 

There was no magic cure, everything stayed the same, and the only reason why things would stay the same it is if Ladybug is severely injured, which they know, yet it is a different thing to watch a video in which she completely disappears behind a wall of smoke and fire to then return bleeding like a character taken straight up of a horror movie. 

Her disappearance is what makes people freak out. Ladybug has never been gone before, and for sure she hasn’t left things destroyed. 

Destruction and wounded civilians were most probably not the only things people were worried about… they would be worrying about Hawkmoth. 

Without Ladybug to fix it, Hawkmoth has a free pass to do anything he pleases. 

Has he? 

Her parents have not mentioned anything and her ban on the situation includes not just the news, but any social media outlet that could cover it. Marinette is convinced that knowing what is going on will only be negative for her, her anxiety will increase and she will heal slower. That isn’t her plan. 

Another measure she has taken is giving Tikki her phone so she can answer to Alya and her friends. 

For now, it is working. 

They know she has been injured and she is playing the overprotective parents card -with their permission- to keep them away as her bruises heal well enough for her to cover them seamlessly with foundation. 

Her broken ribs are healing, faster than the ones of a normal person thanks to the miraculous, but they will still be hard to hide. In one way she is thankful that she can blame the pain and odd walking she will have to her broken arm and leg.

She is also lucky for having bangs. 

The stitches on her scalp and forehead won’t be able to heal as quick as she wishes, but a little bit of makeup, her bangs, and a few hair extensions her mother bought for her will do the trick. 

It won’t be easy, she is aware, but she believes herself to be clever enough to get away with it. 

The hard thing isn’t the hiding of her real image, that is just makeup and really good artistic precision, precision she knows she has… the real problem is her feelings. 

She will have to come back to school one day, she will have to see her friends and classmates.

She will have to go back to her normal life and act as if nothing major has happened. 

She will have to see him.

Marinette is not sure she is ready for any of it. Especially the last one. 

**xx**

It’s been four days of eternal suffering. 

Of wondering and wondering and wondering. 

The only thing he has is the video. The damn video. 

Since the moment he first found it he has it on loop, trying to understand how he let this happen. 

Watching it makes his stomach twist, the bile goes up to his throat and the nauseating feeling doesn’t ever leave him. Yet, it is addictive, he _must_ watch it. 

He has to understand when it all went wrong. 

Adrien rubs his face and pinches the bridge of his nose. 

He is so tired, he hasn’t been able to sleep more than three hours for the past four days. Ladybug invades his every thought. 

He has no idea where she is or ho he is, and Plagg isn’t much help. 

First, because the little creature is exhausted and it floats like a man walking towards his death sentences. Second, because he won't’ speak to him. He is angry, _wrathful_. 

Adrien doesn’t push him to talk, nor expects him to soften up to him anytime soon. This is what he deserves. 

He is supposed to be Ladybug’s partner, he is supposed to be there for her, he is supposed to be the one who protects her, the one who helps her win and yet… here they are. 

The events of the last Tuesday have drained him, rotten him to the core. 

He is so lost on his thoughts, on his misery that he doesn’t heart anything but the thump of his heart.

The only reason he realizes he is not alone in his room anymore is thanks to the pair of arms that wrap around his waist, and the warm embrace that they give.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Kagami whispers on his ear.

It makes him tremble, not only because he has been startled, but because those words are the last thing he wants to hear.

They’re a lie. 

She is _wrong._

It was his fault. 

It _is_ his fault. 

If she is hurt and suffering on a hospital bed, or… 

Adrien shakes, the other possibility is too much for him to take in right now. He has thought about it, how can he not think about it? When he saw that much blood dripping on her face when it shouldn’t have been possible… 

“Adrien, how could you’ve known?” Kagami brushed his bangs. 

He gulps.

The answer to that question is in the video.

It is on how Ladybug turns around.

It is on how her hands touch her left earring, as she always does when she is about to run out of magic.

It is on her screaming, mouthing his name.

It is on her not dodging the first blow because she is too busy trying to catch his attention. 

He should have known, that’s why he keeps watching the video. All the clues are there, everything he knows about her is in there and yet his brain ignored them all on the battlefield. 

“Whining and playing the victim won’t fix anything,” Kagami whispers on his ear. 

He doesn’t answer. 

Kagami has been trying to cheer him up since they de-transformed after the battle. When he was in an absolute state of shock.

The way she looked at him. 

Her face is engraved on his mind. Half red with blood, half pale with the breath of death on her back. Her eyes narrowed and then widened. Sorrow, disgust, and fear crossed her eyes. A look he never thought he would see coming from her, or at least, not directed at him. 

He can’t stop thinking about it and he thinks he never will. Not until he sees her again. 

If that ever happens. 

“You’re just worrying too much, and you’re slacking off in other things that are important.”

How could he explain Kagami that for him there is nothing more important than Ladybug?

 _Not that the video shows that_. 

“You barely went to school and you missed every fencing practice. It’s getting bothersome,” Kagami keeps talking. 

“I’m sorry I’m bothering you with my sadness,” Adrien answers bitterly.

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Kagami says, with the same tune, “I’m just trying to say that you won’t achieve anything by moping all day.”

“What am I supposed to do then? Enlighten me!”

Kagami stays silent, looking at him like a deer in the lights.

Just as he suspected, Kagami doesn’t know what to do either. 

He is not sure if she cares and he can’t blame her because Adrien knows these feelings don’t come from a bad place, she is a wonderful person, she just doesn’t get it. 

For Kagami, being superheroes is a responsibility, but probably the last on her list because for her, as fun as it is, as great as she feels, there’s not an actual emotional connection with the role. Not like the one he has. 

He shakes Kagami away cautiously and breaks from her hold, making his way back to his computer monitor. 

To not make things completely awkward between them after that, he leans in and leaves a kiss on her forehead. 

“I need time,” He sighs, “Everything is just too intense right now.”

“Okay,” She nods, “However, you can’t leave everything behind just because of this.”

“This is something that affects me deeply, Mimi,” He says, “I don’t know how to make you understand.”

“I understand your situation, I don’t understand your approach to it,” She grunted.

“She could be dead,” Adrien whispers.

His eyes are lost and he feels dizzy. The reality of his words hits him and it is hard to breathe.

“She could be dead right now… and it all would be because of me.”  
“It would not-”  
“Watch the video!” Adrien shouted and hit his fists on the desk, “Watch the video and you can see that it is all my fault! I was supposed to be there for her! I’m the one who is supposed to protect her!”

Then, without any answer from his girlfriend, he presses play on the video once again. 

It starts as any other battle video does. Following Ladybug, trying to zoom in so they can read her lips and follow her plan. 

There’s so much more happening on camera, and yet the person who is filming never misses Ladybug.

Not like he did.

As the video plays, his own emotions and memories intertwine with it.

Adrien remembers her ordering him around. She had been bossier than usual, more irritated too. 

So he had kept the jokes down with her, more than the new normal, but it didn’t work, it only irritated her more. 

He tried not to let it get to his head because Ladybug always distracted him, always had that little something that made him completely forget about everything else, and with Kagami there by his side he couldn’t allow himself to fall for it.

The images change and the worst part comes. 

Ladybug turns around, she touches her earring, her eyes scan the area, her head goes from left to right and she screams his name. 

Debris is thrown at her and she dodges, just by luck, but then she runs out of it. She is calling his name and then… then there’s an explosion and Ladybug is not there anymore, because there’s nothing there but flames and a crumbling building. 

Adrien digs his nails on the palms of his hands. 

He saw that bomb coming, he saw it and he knew the building was going to fall… but he… he didn’t go to her.

In the video you don’t only see Ladybug, she is the focus but right behind her, at the other roof you can see when Chat Noir wraps his arm around Ryuuko’s waist and jumps to another place.

On the roof they were standing, only a few flames and pieces of concrete fall but… they would have been fine. 

A few scratches and burns most probably but they would have been _fine_. 

Ladybug is _not_ fine. 

She got hurt. Badly.

And it is all his fault just because he didn’t protect her. 

Because he had been ignoring her because he had been teasing Kagami and flirting and just doing stupid stuff, stuff he usually did, stuff that Ladybug said that he had to stop doing because the timing wasn’t right.

Nothing ever had happened!

Well, until now.

And now he will never be able to forget it. 

**xx**

After a whole day of begging and begging and begging, Marinette has been discharged and is back at home.

She stands in the middle of her bedroom and stares.

Her mattress has been moved down to the first level of her bedroom given that she won’t be able to climb up and down every time she wants to lie in bed.

This also means that she will spend an immense quantity of time here alone in her bedroom since it is so hard to go upstairs. Or at least until she convinces her parents to let her go to school. 

A couple of days practicing with the crutches will be enough to make a good case that will allow her to go without them putting more pressure on her.

If she managed to persuade them to let her keep her miraculous, then she is certain that she can win them over to do this. 

Marinette touches her earrings and looks at the horizon without really paying attention to anything in particular. 

“Marinette,” Tikki’s voice echoes through the silent room.

“Are you hungry?” Marinette asks, dragging the cookie jar on top of the desk closer to her.

“No, I’m fine… I just wanted to ask how you’re feeling”

“I’m not in pain, the medicine is working,” She answers, and then sighs, because she knows that’s not what she is asking, “I still feel numb.”

“Actually numb or…”

“My sadness overshadows every other emotion,” Marinette rotates the chair and looks at the side of her desk, where her rag dolls are on top of a shelf. She looks right into the Chat Noir one, “Can you drop that doll, Tikki?”  
“Marinette…”

“Please… throw it in the trash, hide it, destroy it, I don’t care. Just take it out of my sight.”  
“You know that won’t change the way you feel.”  
“Do it,” Marinette orders, and she says it in a way that it will be impossible for Tikki to keep arguing. 

Tikki looks down and a soft whimper comes out of her mouth before she takes the doll and flies away with it. 

“I don’t wanna see him ever again,” She whispers, mostly to herself. 

The creak of the trapdoor makes the dark thought dissipate. She turns around and finds her mother smiling at her.

“Are you okay, sweetie?” She asks.

She knows that Marinette is not feeling okay, and she must know that she was about to cry, but for her sake she plays dumb. 

Marinette is grateful for that. 

“Yeah, I was just going to move to the bed and watch a show or read… I don’t know, just do something.”  
“That’s nice but I have good news for you. Your friends are here,” Her mom says, “Should I let them in?”

“Yes, of course,” Marinette nods but then stops, “Mom, have you-

“I haven’t said anything,” She says and kisses her forehead before leaving her room. 

Marinette presses her hand against her chest and sighs. 

Good thing she anticipated this and has her makeup on and her bangs perfectly styled. 

She moves to the bed to be more comfortable as she waits for the girls to arrive. 

The sound of running steps bangs through the walls announcing their arrival. 

From the trapdoor, the girls appear, but all she can see at first are balloons, flowers, and so much pink. 

“Marinette!” 

She smiles and looks at them, now really seeing her and her eyes grow wide. 

The girls are here. 

_All_ of them. 

_Even_ Kagami. 

That takes her by surprise and when she finally processes the emotion, she realizes how wrong it is to feel like she isn’t supposed to be here. 

“Hi girls,” Marinette says, as smiley as she can.

The girls run to her dragging all the pink party with them. 

“You scared the hell out of us,” Alya says and jumps to sit right beside her in bed, resting her head on her shoulder. 

“I’m sorry, but I’m alright now. Between all that bad luck I was very lucky. “

The girls laugh, all but Kagami, who looks extremely uncomfortable. She doesn’t look at her and has been shaking her head anxiously the whole time. 

Something twists inside Marinette and she feels guilty. 

As the girls talk around her, Marinette tries to catch Kagami’s attention. 

She is _not_ mad at Kagami. 

She is _not_ the one who is supposed to have her back, she is _not_ the one who has been fighting beside her this whole time. Kagami wouldn’t have known how serious her orders were, or how dangerous her situation was because even if Kagami has fought beside her, it has only been a few times and she only does what Ladybug orders her to do. Kagami doesn’t understand Ladybug’s language. 

Chat Noir does. 

Chat Noir is the one who is supposed to understand her. 

“Marinette,” Alya calls, and her hands drop on top of hers.

“Yes?” Marinette turns around to see her.

“Are you in pain? You’re tugging the quilt.”  
“Oh, I’m fine, I didn’t even realize.”  
  


“When are you going back to school?” Alix asks, and for once she doesn’t throw a joke or says how lucky she is for having reason to miss school.

“Yes, we miss you!” Rose add. 

“Hopefully this week. I don’t think I’ll be able to stay here all alone for long, I already did all that at the hospital,” She giggles, even if she doesn't find it funny. 

“We will help you out if that’s what you need. We’ll take turns or we can all come to pick you up and drop you off,” Alya says and all the girls agree. 

“That’s very sweet of you girls. It would really help me out, especially with the outrageous number of stairs at school,” She nods, “And once I’m back at school we can go for lunch one day, what you think Kagami?”

Kagami looks at her perplex and stutters when she tries to begin her phrase. 

Marinette’s lips tremble, she has never seen Kagami so hesitant before. 

“Hey, everything is okay,” Marinette assures her and reaches for her hand.

It is a lie but it is worth it. She can only imagine what is going through the girls’ minds. 

“I just… I really got scared when Alya called this morning.” 

“Yes, the poor girl shouted to me on the phone. You’re a force to be reckoned with ‘Gami, but wow, that was intense.”

“Marinette is my friend.” Kagami answers and fidgets with the hem of her skirt. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you…” Until now, she had been putting Kagami in the same bag as Chat, not purposefully, but she had.

“Well, you didn’t even tell me, I had to pressure you and your parents, so,” Alya says.

Marinette is grateful for that because as much as she wants Kagami to not feel bad, and wants to show that she is not mad her, she still was there with Chat, safe and sound and away from her when she needed them the most, and there’s only so much she can tell before she breaks. 

“So,” Marinette says and pushes herself up and fixes her bangs carefully, hoping nothing has been seen, “Tell me, how is school going. Only good stories, please.”

Her friends smile and start babbling about the last week of school, telling her all the things and gossip she’s missed. 

It makes Marinette happy to hear that between all the chaos that the city is living, her classmates have not let it put them down. 

Alix and Kim are still doing silly competitions, Max is trying to find a mathematical solution to the disaster that’s happening, Mylene and Ivan are doing a campaign to save street dogs. 

“Oh! And Chloé slapped Lila on the face the other day!” Alya says.

“It was _so_ cool.” Juleka nods and a tiny smile appears on her lips. 

Marinette rose a brow. The last thing she knew, the girls were starting to feel uneasy around Lila, a few of her lies slowly being uncovered. Now with such excitement, she could tell things had gone downhill. 

“Why did she do that?” Marinette asks.

“Lila was talking shit about Ladybug…” Rose whispers and the tension that name produces is palpable in the air. 

“Yeah, it was awful. She was saying that Ladybug had planned all this, that she wanted to retire or that she wanted to be a legend, and… well, Alya was trying to reason with her with Chloé interrupted,” Alix says cheerfully, “She stood between Lila and Alya, turned around and said ‘step back, Césaire’. Alya jolted back surprised and before she could say something, Chloé rotated her whole body, as gracefully dramatic as she can be and slapped Lila on the face.”  
“It echoed through the whole room,” Juleka says

“Her face was so red!” Alya chuckles.

“You should have seen it,” Alix says and with arms crossed behind her neck, she throws herself to the mattress, “You would have loved it. Even Nino, the sweetest most chill person I know was having a blast.”  
“Oh yeah, he felt so wrong later but he also enjoyed it very much,” Alya giggles. 

Marinette smiles with them. 

“What about Adrien?” Kagami interrupts. 

Marinette’s smile fades away. 

“What about him?” Alya asks confused, “That was something I wanted to ask you. He hasn’t been to school, and he hasn’t picked up his phone. The only reason we know he is not dead is because Nathalie contacted Nino to ask for his homework.”

Kagami frowns, “He hasn’t been to school… _Idiot_.” 

“Well, you don’t know what’s going on with him either…”  
“His father probably doesn’t let him get out.” Alix gives as an explanation, “We know what a jerk he is.”  
“It’s not that,” Kagami says and crosses her arms in front of her chest.

“Then what-

“Can we not talk about him?!” Marinette chirps and hits the bed with the palms of her hands.

All the girls snap and turn at her, looking with big eyes full of wonder. 

Marinette gulps. Her reaction is pure impulse, not a single ray of logic shone through the process.

“I’m sorry but-

“No, no, we get it!” Alya waves her hands and snaps her fingers, “What if we watch a movie and eat! We brought lots of food!”  
“Yeah! Let’s do that!” Rose throws her hands in the air and does a little dance. 

Marinette half smiles and nods at them. The knot on her throat makes it impossible to say something. 

The girls stand up and start running around the room, picking up the food, changing the place of the furniture, turning on the computer to put Netflix on.

Kagami stays by Marinette’s side, who looks down and finds her sight.

“I’m sure Adrien doesn’t know you’re hurt,” She whispers, “If he did, he would be here by now.”

“I don’t care,” Marinette says between clenched teeth, “I don’t want him here.”  
Kagami gasps, it is soft but powerful enough. She fists her hands, starting to give little hits on her legs.

“Let him know,” Marinette says, not looking at Kagami, “Not directly, but let him know.”

“What do you know?” Kagami asks, out of breath.

“What? What do you mean?” Marinette plays dumb and gets rewarded with Kagami’s silence.

The rest of the evening doesn’t go as her friends expect it to go, but she doesn’t let them know.

She pretends she is enjoying the movie, she pretends that there is nothing on her mind but this, that her heart is not kilometers away, being stretched and stretched, and getting pierced with the glass of betrayal. 

With Kagami, there is hard to forget why she is hurting. 

When the girls leave, she fakes sadness, but the truth is she is more than relieved. She finally gets to take off her mask, and not only her emotional mask but also the thick layers of makeup that cover up the technicolor bruises on her face. 

When she finishes washing her face and putting toner on it, she makes it to bed. Tikki helping her to open the sheets as she moves with the crutches closer to the edge of the mattress.

Before she can properly adjust in bed, the creek of her windows catches her attention. 

One more visitor comes to her in the middle of the lonely night. 

At first, she fears she will have to kick him out, but instead of black boots appearing through the ceiling, what pops is a small little green creature. 

He is so small, yet he brings with him colossal news.

Marinette welcomes her with the most real smile she has put on the whole day. 

His visit is short, he treats a few of her wounds hoping that this will help her heal sooner and tells her a bunch of well needed good news.

However, when it comes time to listen to what he really came to say. She comes undone. 

She isn't able to sleep that night. 

**xx**

It is something so subtle, yet he notices it the minute he wakes up.

On a daily basis, he is able to ignore the weight the jewel pushes on his hand, but now his hand feels too light.

He looks down, unsure, thinking that he might be wrong.

He is not wrong. 

_It is gone_. 

There is no silver band wrapping around his finger, there is no power rushing beneath his skin. 

Panic sets inside his heart and it throbs on his blood, spreading and turning everything red.

Adrien feels like he has been pushed to speed up and everything turns blurry and dizzy. He feels like he has taken some drugs, or at least that’s what he compares it to after watching too many movies.

It is a cold fever that settles on the back of his neck and pressed on his brain as if someone was hammering it. 

He runs around his room, pushing and moving furniture, throwing things from boxes, looking at the most recondite places of his room. 

But it is nowhere.

“Plagg!” He shouts as loud as he can.

There is no answer.

“Plagg! Please answer this isn’t funny!”

Adrien runs around the room in circles, hands-on his hair, and pulling strongly. He is trying to wake up from this nightmare but everything remains the same, no matter how much pain he inflicts on himself. 

“Plagg! He cries. 

But is useless, Plagg would never let him be this distressed. He must not be here.

Adrien covers his mouth, trying to repress the ugly sobs that come out of his mouth but it is impossible. 

He falls to the ground, knees crashing against the harsh wood and he just crumbles down. 

He lost Plagg.

He lost the ring.

He… lost it all. 

Not in the way of a missing object, no, he knows that’s not it because he would never ever let it out of his sight.

It was taken away. 

He lost it because he is not _worthy_ of it anymore.

And how can he argue, how can he not understand. Adrien agrees with this decision, as much as it hurts him, this is what he had coming. 

Nonetheless, how can Plagg just leave? 

No remorse, no attachment to him.

Not a letter. Not a single goodbye.

But after thinking it through, looking back and seeing how strange Plagg had been acting, the message is quite obvious. 

And as sad and broken as he feels, there is a sense of relief in getting adequate punishment to his mistake.

Adrien hugs himself and keeps crying. 

This has to be for the best, this has to be for her to be taken care of.

If she…

_No!_

She is still alive! She is Ladybug, she is the strongest person he has ever met. She is alive and recovering, she is ready to fight if need to… and this time she will have a better ally. 

_Let her be in better hands._

_Let her have the partner I always thought to be, but never was._

And now, with that thought in mind and the weight of failure over his shoulders, he must start his day and pretend that he hasn’t lost everything. 

**xx**

Putting on a front has never been so hard, but Adrien has the experience, also it is easy to fool Nathalie and his father, they’re always too busy with something else. When it comes to Simon, he is seating on the driving seat or behind him, so he can also get away with a few winces and sad faces without him noticing. 

Pretending it’s not that easy when he has to talk or interact with others, so he knows he has a hard day ahead if he is gonna meet with his fencing partners. 

When he gets to school, all the way to the gym he is repeating to himself to take it slowly, that they don’t have anything to do with what is happening to him and that he must not take it on them. 

When he looks up, ready to greet everyone cheerfully, Kagami ambushes him and drags him to the dressing room.

“What the fuck, Gami?” He asks and pushes her away, trying to win back his personal space. 

“You haven’t been going to school,” She says and pokes one finger on his chest.

“I haven’t had the best time, remember?”

“You said you were going to try! Missing school is not trying.”  
“I tried, I couldn’t make it. I didn’t lie.”

Kagami rolls her eyes. 

“Have you talked to any of your friends at least?” She asks.

“Not really. I’ve been pretty much-avoiding everyone.” He needed his space.

If Kagami wasn’t so insistent, and well, wasn’t his girlfriend, he would be avoiding her too. But he has a compromise with her, different from anyone else. Besides, he doesn’t want to face the rage that could come his way if he even dared to ignore her. 

“You shouldn’t do that.”

“You shouldn’t tell me what to do.”

“Don’t take your frustration on me.”  
“Then let me have my space,” He grunts. 

Adrien changes his bag from left to right and tries to walk beside Kagami. She puts one hand on his chest and pushes him back to where he was.

“Let. me. leave.”

“Why are you acting so horribly today?”

“Why can’t you seem to understand that since _that day_ I’m not able to be the joyful person you so want me to be?”

“I understand clearly, I’m just asking you to not be an asshole or shut yourself out of the world, for the matter. Because I care-”

“If you care then let me go through this on my own,” Adrien hisses, “Do you know how many people got hurt because of me? Because I wasn’t paying attention, because _we_ -

Kagami puts one threatening finger up and glares at him with deadly fire in her eyes. 

“Don’t you dare put me in the same bag. I didn’t ask you to play hero and push me out of there, you decide that yourself.” 

Adrien knows it, it’s what makes it so hard to keep going through his day. 

He looks down, staring at his naked hand.

“I’m sorry,” He whispers, and it’s not enough of an apology so he repeats it, “I’m sorry.”

Kagami crosses her arms and leans against the wall, elbow brushing against his own. 

“I forgive you, but you must promise to try harder. I know you’re hurt but you must keep living your life. What’s done is done and there’s nothing we can do.”

Maybe there is, he just doesn’t know it. If he could visit Ladybug he would, if he could do something to revert it he would. They used magic jewels, they fixed the city all the damn time, there had to be something to do.

But, he isn’t’ Chat Noir anymore, it’s not his duty to find a way to fix it. 

“Nino is worried about you,” Kagami breaks the silence, “I called him this morning to let him know that you were fine, only going through some stuff, but that you _would_ come back to school tomorrow.”  
Adrien tsks. 

Instead of getting angry at her for forcing him to go, he thanks her for putting Nino at ease.

“And you will go to school tomorrow?”  
“Yes, I will.” He sighs.

“Good.” Kagami nods “However…”

“Yes?”

“There’s something you should know.”

“What?

Kagami sighs. “It’s about Marinette… you’re not going to like this, Adrien.”

Kagami is right, and yet she is far from describing what he will feel.

After listening to the horrible news, 

Not only he doesn’t like it. It _breaks_ him.

**xx**

It’s been three weeks and four days since the last akuma fight, since the last time anyone in Paris saw a glimpse of the spotted heroine. 

It’s her first day back in class, and Marinette tries her best to keep her mind only aspects of her civilian life. If superhero and magic leak into her train of thought she won’t be able to focus on what’s important today. 

Her friends picked her up at eight o'clock sharp, and walked with her to school, helping her out the most when it was time to go upstairs. 

Now, she is listening to them talk as her classmates enter the room and show their surprise on their expressions, running to her seat and giving her a hug or a gentle greet in their own style. 

There are a lot of questions, she does her best to dodge them, or to make it seem like she is answering but really she just runs in circles until they forget what they asked. 

When the bell rings, there are only two people missing from the classroom. 

Nino and Adrien. 

Marinette is crossing her fingers under her desk, hoping that the latter has decided to miss class again. 

Alya did say that he started coming once again, but she didn’t know any more than that, because Marinette forced herself to ignore every word. 

Thankfully, if Alya had noticed she hadn’t confronted her about it, and Marinette hopes she won’t do it any time soon because she still hasn’t come up with any excuse to her sudden disdain for the boy. 

Something quite hard to explain when only less than a month ago she was telling her friends that it still hurt a little to see him and Kagami together. 

The teacher enters the room, and her thoughts go to the back of her mind, now her attention is focused on madame García, greeting her in Spanish, telling her how glad she is that she is okay. 

Marinette smiles and talks to madame García, really feeling grateful for how sincere her good feelings towards Marinette are. 

While they are talking, she sees Nino entering the room from the corner of her eye.

She watches how Nino lights up and waves at her enthusiastically. Marinette waves back with a smile. 

This marks the end of her conversation with the teacher, who goes to the desk to leave her books and bag, ready to start the class. 

It’s one second later that the door opens and a male voice rings through the room, apologizing. 

Adrien enters the room and she can’t help but follow him with her sight.

He looks crestfallen, tired, and seedy. It is completely new to see him like this. 

It makes Marinette’s stomach twist in knots. 

Instinctively, while trying to ignore how he looks, she glances at his hand. His knuckles are white of how tight he is holding his bag but other than that there’s nothing else to see. There’s no silver ring decorating his sleek fingers. 

Marinette feels like puking. For real.

She lifts her hand and starts speaking immediately.

“Can I go to the bathroom, madame?” 

“Por supuesto, Marinette,” She nods and Marinette smiles back at her. 

She takes her crutches and starts moving.

“Marinette,” She hears and mistakenly looks up.

Adrien is looking at her with eyes wide open.

“Oh, Mr. Agreste, since you’re already there would you mind helping Marinette?”

“Su-”

“I don’t need his help,” Marinette replies, there’s so much poison in her words, it even surprises her. 

“But-

Marinette gets out of the room quickly. She has already practiced enough with the crutches and is able to move well. Yes, she is still clumsy but luck is on her side. Or at least Tikki is, and she has been more helpful than ever. 

Getting at the end of the hallway proves to be a hazard, but she finally crashes against the bathroom door, and is fast enough to open a stall and puke. 

As if the horrific sensation of vomiting isn’t enough, her body trembles and she starts crying, only increasing the rotting feeling. 

Marinette cleans her tears with the back of her sleeve but more and more keep coming. 

“Are you going to be okay?” Tikki asks, cleaning Marinette’s mouth with a paper tissue.

“No.” Marinette sobs. “I can’t be close to him, I can’t even look at him.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have come back so early.”

“I’m not gonna miss my education because of him. The bacs are soon, and I won’t mess up my future just because he didn’t give a fuck about me.”  
“Mari…”

“He deserves his punishment, right?” Marinette asks, not letting Tikki finish, “He is _not_ worthy anymore.”

Tikki blinks at her and keeps quiet for a second. 

She can see her train of thought.

Is this what worries you? 

“He doesn’t deserve it, right?”  
“I can’t answer that, you know it.”

“They took the ring away, it’s obvious… isn’t it?”

If it is so obvious why can’t she find the answer herself?

“Marinette, if Master Fu didn’t tell you why he took this decision, then I can’t either. But I can only guess that this is for your own good.”

Marinette opens her mouth, her heart stops and a thought strikes her.

Is this really what’s good for her?

**xx**

The damage around Paris is starting to clean up. People on the hospitals are being discharged, the streets don’t have debris anymore, and the people who lived in the destroyed buildings have started their trials to be compensated for the damage.

Nonetheless, there’s still fear rushing through the streets, and no Papillon interrupting and causing chaos in their daily lives only makes people be more alert than usual. It is only time before he strikes again, and there has not been any sighting of Ladybug nor Chat Noir. 

Adrien watches the news every day and checks online sources of papers and magazines to check if anyone has said something about the heroine. 

The only thing he finds are letters to the girl, hoping she is doing alright, to take her time, that they would welcome her with open arms once she decides to come back. 

He is happy to read all of it, it is what she deserves. 

Today in class, there’s a little discussion about it. 

Alya is the one who starts it, talking about how weird it is that Ladybug hasn’t tried to contact anyone to let people know that she is okay. Because according to Alya, she _is_ okay. 

Adrien wishes to believe it as strongly as Alya does.

But there was no magic, there was no cure. Ladybug was too weak for that, so the only thing that could have saved her was medical help, and if she didn’t make it in time… 

“What about Chat Noir?” He hears Kim ask, “Has he tried to contact you?” 

“No, but probably Ladybug asked him to keep quiet too,” Alya answers.

Marinette laughs drily. 

Adrien turns around to catch her sight. But he should know by now that it is impossible. 

She _doesn’t_ look at him. 

He wouldn’t put it past her to know who he used to be. 

To resent him is only natural.

Adrien knows that Marinette is badly hurt. More than what she shows to be.

The others might not notice, but he knows how the makeup looks when you try to cover bruises, and he can see the spots all around her face, neck, and arms where the multicolor wounds are hiding. 

Why is she trying to hide them? He can’t really figure out, but it’s not unlike Marinette to put others before her, so maybe she is doing it so her friends won’t worry. 

Even if she won’t give him the time of the day, she still pretends that she is not in pain when he is close, and he knows she is.

He can tell how she favors certain positions that don’t clash with her ribs, how she moves her arm and leg every now and then with what he can tell she is trying to ease the spikes of pain. 

No one seems to notice these little things, but he pays special attention to her these days. 

How can he not? 

This is his fault. Marinette is hurt because of him. 

Thankfully she can still write and draw. That gives him some calm. 

The sound of his phone makes him turn around and stop staring at Marinette. 

He looks down and a message from Kagami stares back at him.

**_| kagami t. |_ **

**_How is Marinette today?_ **

Adrien pinches the bridge of his nose. 

One of the only things that Kagami cares about in this whole situation is Marinette. Kagami doesn’t have many friends, and Marinette is certainly the one she considers the closest. 

And as much as he understands why Kagami’s concern falls on Marinette and her injuries, he cannot help but get angry about her just worrying about her damage and brush aside every other problem. 

It’s not that she does it for him, he doesn’t think so, it’s not about making him feel alright and ignore all the damage he has done, to dissipate all the guilt, it’s more about Kagami only caring about people who matter to her. 

Is it awfully wrong? Not really, people tend to care and put special attention on the ones that are close to them, but for Adrien… Adrien can’t understand why she won’t care about Ladybug. 

He realizes it is about the same, Adrien caring about someone who is close to him but… but this is Ladybug he is talking about and Gami was there. With him. She saw Ladybug bleeding, staggering, losing it. 

Why doesn’t she care? 

Why couldn’t she provide the support he needed? He only wants her to care as much as he does. 

But she does not, and he knows he can’t do anything about it. If those feelings are not there, he can’t oblige them to be. 

**xx**

The days she spent at the hospital was probably the longest days of her existence, so she shouldn’t be complaining about how long this week felt… nonetheless, here she is. 

Every day was longer than the last and it is very hard to go to school when the person you want to avoid the most is sitting right in front of you. 

She’s done her best to ignore him as well as she can, and her sudden strokes of pain and messy thoughts have been quite helpful with the goal, but sometimes she found herself staring at him, trying to figure out what was inside his mind. Those seconds in which she forgot the drift between them had been the sweetest moments, and yet once she was out of them, they were pungent objects on her heart. 

She rolls the pen on the surface of the table and follows its come and go silently, as she sits behind the counter of the bakery. 

She has taken some shifts to spend more time outside of her room and also to keep an eye on the streets of Paris and its citizens. 

Nothing has happened, their dear nemesis has been strangely quiet and that makes her itch. 

It is strange and dangerous, and it doesn’t help to know that she won’t be able to jump into action. 

Not yet at least. Tikki is visiting Master Fu right now to ask him about it. The kwami believed that in Marinette’s state, transforming would be beneficial. It would ease the pain. 

Marinette hopes she is right, and that Master Fu accepts. She doesn’t only need it to relieve the pain of her body, but also the one in her heart and mind. 

Being a superhero is a duty, but it is part of her life, without running through the rooftops, without fighting villains, without watching the city shine under her feet, she feels incomplete. 

Does he-

No.

She is not allowed to think of him.

His name, his voice, his image, everything is prohibited. She has to erase him out of her mind. 

Will that ever be possible?

She can’t know, and of all days today seems like the less plausible day because when the bell of the door chimes, it is him who enters. 

_“Hi!_ ”

She freezes. 

He got her message loud and clear the first day, and has not attempted to talk to her. He does stare quite constantly, but she has been ignoring it. 

“How are you today, Nette?”  
“Why are you here?” She asks as a reply. 

“I… I wanted to talk to you.” 

“What for?” Marinette grits her teeth.  
“I wanted to know how you are… I miss talking to you.”  
Marinette chuckles, but it is numb. It is not a sarcastic response, it is the genuine answer she has to all of this. It feels so… so fake. 

None of this was ever supposed to happen, but it did, and now here they are. 

Well, here she is. Adrien has no idea who he is talking to. Adrien has no idea that he is face to face with the person he dug his knife on. 

“So, how’s your day so far?”

“Are you going to order something?” Every word feels like shattered glass on her tongue. She doesn’t want to interact with him. 

Adrien wasn’t smiling before, but somehow he manages to make it look as if he had once his face contorts in a painful expression. 

“Why are you angry at me, Marinette?” His words shake, but he stares at her with strange confidence, “Have I done something to you? If I have I-”  
“If you’re not going to order you should leave.” She interrupts.

“Marinette”

“ _Leave!_ ” She shouts, her lungs burn, it is getting hard to breathe. 

To her surprise, Adrien doesn’t keep trying. He keeps his sight fixated on her for harsh scorching seconds until he finally turns around and leaves the bakery. 

How can a broken heart keep breaking? How can something so utterly shattered find ways to become particles of dust?

Is there a way to stop it? Does love have a limit she can reach and leave behind after reaching it? Or does love unlimited grow and grow and transform and twist around your throat until you choke? 

She feels like crumbling, like falling, falling, falling, until she reaches the ground and the hit of the fall makes her wake up, makes her see something her feelings make blurry. But nothing happens, she stays still on her seat, contemplating the figure of the boy as he walks away, as he totally vanishes. 

If only he could vanish for real. 

Not from the world, of course not, she would never want that, she only wants to erase him from her mind. Most importantly, from her heart. 

A buzzing sound rings near her ear and Marinette looks around, searching for the bug. Another annoyance this morning. 

But what she really hears is the chirping noises her little companion is making. 

She is back.

“Tikki,” Marinette whispers under clenched teeth, “Someone could see you.”

“There’s no one around, and I have great news!” It is obvious that the kwami can’t contain her excitement. 

Marinette crooks a brow, waiting for her to speak. 

“He said yes!” She cheers, “It is safe! It will help you heal!”

A bucket of water must have felt on her because she is feeling awake once again. 

“Are you serious?!” Marinette gasps. 

“Yes! He also believes you will be able to walk without crutches, the suit will give you the protection and strength you need, not like when you’re completely healthy but it will make things so much easier!”

Marinette trembles and covers her mouth with her hand, the enthusiasm threatens to leak in the shape of a victorious scream. 

Tears accumulate under her eyes and she touches her earrings. They have been mere decoration in the last few weeks, but finally, _finally,_ she is able to use them as they’re meant to. 

“We should we out at night, to not cause a huge ruckus,” She says and takes her planner out of the counter. Grabbing a pen beside her she makes a small doodle in the notebook and writes down the time she plans to go out.

“Are you happy, Marinette?” Tikki asks, looking at her doodle.

“The happiest,” She says, and while it is true that her happiness doesn’t reach the deeper parts of her soul, this is the closest thing to the real joy she has felt since the accident, so she will take it as a win. 

**xx**

Convincing her parents turns out easier than she anticipated. Once Tikki explains to them that this will help Marinette, they don’t even think of objecting. 

She is back in her room, getting ready for the evening. To her mother’s petition, she arranged a backpack with any item she could need in case of an emergency, if she is in pain, or just if she gets hungry. She also has a red bomber jacket with her, she spent the evening embroidering polka dots on it, so it wouldn’t clash with her suit. 

Marinette stares at her reflection on the long mirror and gives one look at Tikki, who gives a nod back. 

They’re ready. 

She puts her hair on a ponytail and adds a long red ribbon and takes a deep breath.

Marinette pronounces the words and the warm light embraces her. The feeling is familiar and so welcoming, it almost makes her cry. 

When she stares back at the mirror she gets a surprise. Not only she can stand on her foot without aching, and her left arm bends without making her scream. No, that’s not what surprises her, she was expecting this. What has her in shock is the different suit she is wearing. 

There’s more black than ever before.

One of the first things that catch her attention is that she has boots now. They’re ruby red and clash against what seems to be black leggings but they feel like a metal armor at the touch. It also looks like she is wearing a black turtle neck with patches of polka dot fabric, they wrap around her waist and sculpt it, but they cover almost all of her back. She is also wearing a polka dot skirt with shorts underneath, it reminds her a little of Wonder Woman’s uniform with a modern fashion vision.

Her ribbon is five times longer than the one she put on her hair, and it curls upwards, and when she thinks about it they begin to move.

Marinette squeaks at it, feeling and seeing things as they move. They’re like a radar. 

“They’re like Chat’s ears,” She hears herself whisper.

The thought sinks in her heart.

Maybe that was the exact explanation for this change. 

_Chat._

Or the lack of him. 

“Don’t think about him,” She whispers. 

One last look at the mirror and one sharp breath intake later, she jumps to the balcony and into the rooftops. 

She doesn’t move as fast and elegantly as she used to, but she can run and jump and move without feeling strokes of pain elongating in her body and that’s what she calls a win. 

The night is beautiful, the few stars that can be seen shine beautifully and the sounds of the city mix together in a familiar song her heart dances too. 

It feels like she is soaring, and it’s been so long since the last time she felt this as something magical. When you do it every day it just becomes routine, but now after being away from it for so long, she is lucky to feel the charm of it as if it was brand new. 

Her route goes in a straight line, only shifting when she runs out of rooftops to jump. She could jump these big distances using her yo-yo but she won’t risk it, she keeps it safe. 

Marinette also avoids any major street or monument. She is not hiding, but she also doesn’t want to start a riot. 

In between shifts and ups and downs through pipe walls, she finds herself walking into a very well known neighborhood and streets. 

She stops on her tracks, so does her heart. 

Shaking hands and quivering legs requite something to grab onto, and she finds on leaning on one of the walls and slowly serpentining down to the floor. 

From where she stands, she can see the lights of the mansion lit up, the shadows crossing beneath the curtains, and the loud sound of silence that the household screams. The irony of the last one has never settled well in Marinette’s heart. 

This is not a happy place, she knows it well, but tonight it has become even worse. 

She doesn’t want to be here, she doesn’t want to look at it, yet she can’t help but look. The temptation to stay, to catch a glimpse of who she wishes to erase is too grand. 

The thump on her heart crashes against her ribs, vibrating on every bone on her body, pulsing confusion, and bitter curiosity. 

She rejects the visceral need that so desperately asks her to stay, she rejects it once, twice, thrice, and so on, but it never goes away. 

Marinette doesn’t move, she knows she won’t be able too. 

She is aware that she is crying but does nothing about it. 

The feelings inside her are dueling and she won’t interfere. She is too tired. 

The rotting hate that spreads on her heart is strong, and has been stronger than the bond they once had but now, being so close, yet so far, she can’t help but wonder what is she feeling? 

Marinette sighs. This is a war with no winners. 

Finally, she lies on the rooftop and looks at the sky. Staying there, knowing that if she wanted to she could look, but obliging herself to not do it. 

She stays there for hours, staggering on the edge of the options, tempted yet headstrong. She resigned to her feelings. 

It’s only when the alarm on her phone chimes when she dares to move and stand up again, knowing that she has to go back home. 

She does it as fast as she can, too afraid that if she looks down at the silent house she will stay a little more. 

This wasn’t what she planned to do tonight, but it wasn’t as terrible at the end, she can’t pinpoint why but she feels a little lighter. 

It helps. 

But for how long will it?

**xx**

Loneliness has a funny way to make itself noticed. A very painful way, especially once you have beat it but then come back to it. 

Adrien tended to feel alone at home, but with the little kwami by his side, he knew he had someone to come back to, someone by his side even when no one else was. 

That is gone now. 

He seats in the middle of his bed, and stares at the windows, the echo of the empty room rings on his ears. 

If he speaks, no one will answer, but this time it isn’t because the company is asleep, is because he has no one at all there to listen. No one to wake him up when he has nightmares and then pretend he did so just because the constant shifting on the bed was bothering him, no one by his side making silly jokes and brushing off the seriousness of certain situations just to make him feel better. There is no one with him. 

He is all alone again. 

He wishes he had never known what his company was. It would make things easier. 

One event alone triggered the loss of his most beloved friends. 

But could he blame them? Why would they stay with him?

There are three knocks on the door, the first sound in the room beside his thumping sound of shattered glass of the pieces of his heart.

“I overslept,” Adrien says before Nathalie can ask if he is ready. 

“You’ve been oversleeping for a few days now. Should I start scheduling your evenings again?”

“No. I’ll be ready in five minutes.”

It sounds like a fake promise but he means it. He takes the quickest shower ever and dresses in yesterday’s clothes, making his way out of the room as he combs his hair with his fingers. 

“Adrien, is everything okay?” Nathalie asks, following him, eyes unusually not glued to her tablet. 

“No.” He answers because he is tired of pretending, and knowing that admitting this won’t change a thing. What will Nathalie do? Really, what power does she have over his life other than planning his schedule? 

She could tell this to his father and nothing would change because his father won’t mind. He won’t think it is important.

However, this makes Nathalie stop walking and watch him aghast. 

“What?” Adrien asks. 

Nathalie opens her mouth a little, her chin shakes. As he predicts, she ends up saying nothing. 

Adrien makes his way to the car letting the subject turn into thin air and completely vanish. 

When he gets to school, he feels moody but tries his best to hide it. Kagami is right, he can’t act like a jerk to everyone who knows him just because he is sad. They do not deserve it. 

Nino and Alya are sitting on the bench closest to the entrance. 

Alya springs from the bench when she sees him. 

“You’re finally here!” She shouts and runs to him. 

He crooks a brow at her. Why is she so excited to see him? Alya hasn’t had the same attitude towards him than Marinette’s, but she hasn’t been the same Alya he knows either. 

“Good morning,” He greets her when she lands by his side.

“Good morning? It is a _glorious_ morning! Haven’t you seen it?!”

“What?” He asks, rubbing his eye as he watches her bounce in place.

“The _Ladyblog_ !”  
“Sorry, I haven’t checked it yet,” He hasn’t opened the website in the past week. It is… _too much._

“She is back! She is back!”

It takes a few seconds to process the words. 

Then his eyes flutter open and grow wide, his tongue feels dry, his hands clammy and his lungs and heart are competing to be the ones causing more alterations on his body.

“She as in-” He starts to ask because he has to be sure, he can’t afford to get his hopes up. 

“Ladybug! She has a whole new suit but it _is_ her!”

Alya puts her phone on his camp of vision and he catches sight of the picture. 

Once he recognizes her, it is inevitable.

Tears stream down his eyes, and he stares and stares and stares. His eyes are glued to the phone, to the pictures, to _her_. 

“Adrien?”

He shakes and weakens, falling to the ground. He presses the phone close to his heart and sobs loudly.

“ _She is alive_ ,” He sobs, “ _You’re alive_ ,” He says to the picture. 

It feels like he can finally breathe as if he has been holding his breath this whole time. His life had been put on stand by and he can finally move on, keep walking in whichever direction is meant to. 

She is alive. 

And knowing that it doesn’t matter that he won’t be by her side because the only thing he cares about is that she is still here in this world. That the person he loves most in this world has not vanished, has not followed the path he is so terrified of. 

Adrien hears his name being called and feels arms wrapping around him but the world around him doesn’t exist anymore, only the high of pure relief. 

**xx**

Marinette barely makes it to school. 

Every bone in her body hurts, every surface of skin burns. 

After feeling the soothing energy of the suit all over her, easing her pain, going back to her usual reality and its lack of healing magic has been awful. 

It feels as if the pain has increased. 

After getting back home last night it wasn’t so awful, she had been tired and fell asleep almost immediately, the problem started when she woke up because of the piercing needles digging on her thorax. 

Of course, there is nothing but the bruises and her broken, yet healing, rib, but it feels like she is being attacked. But still, she had to bite her pillow to not scream, and every second after that has been excruciating. 

At least the hot shower helped, but making her way to school, doing her best to not raise any suspicion she feels like she might pass out at any given moment. 

How can this be happening? How can she feel worse than she did at the hospital?

Why does she have to deal with this? It is not fair, she doesn’t deserve it. 

All these raw thoughts stack inside her mind, rotting every corner of her being. 

This wouldn’t be happening if he had helped her. This wouldn’t be happening if he had been there for her as he should have been. This is all _his_ fault. 

Her pain seems intensifies. 

She starts walking faster, as faster as the crutches and the pain allow it and gets to the front of the stairs.

When she looks up, Alya is nowhere to be found.

Marinette furrows her eyebrows, stranged. 

“Alya was here but had to take care of something,” Juleka says as she appears from the shadows, as she usually does. 

“Did something happen?” Marinette asks, concerned.

Juleka winces but Nathaniel, who Marinette just notices speaks for her. 

“We don’t know what happened, we only saw Adrien collapse and cry as if the world was ending, and then Alya and Nino dragged him inside.” 

Marinette feels so cold, she is sure something must have frozen at her core. 

_He collapsed?_ What could have happened to destroy him like that? 

Is he okay? Is he hurt?

Marinette shakes her head. Why would she care if he is okay? He clearly doesn’t her if _she_ is okay. And she is _not._

“Are you feeling okay? You look… gloomy,” Juleka says, watching her with concern.

“The painkillers have not worked yet,” Saying that is better than lying. 

“Oh, that sucks,” Juleka nods and then shifts to the side, pushing her bag to the front, “By the way, Luka sent you this.”

From her backpack, Juleka takes a little rectangular box messily painted in shades of pink and decorated with a few black flowers and a ribbon. 

“He told me to tell you that he would like to visit you but only if you want to, so… text him if you want to, I guess.”

Marinette receives the box with a smile. 

“Thank you so much.” 

The gift really helps her mood calm down a notch.

She plays with the ribbon and stares down at the box with curiosity, she can’t open it yet but she wonders what’s inside. Whatever it is, the sole thought of being on his mind, of her being important enough for him to think of a gift makes her smile, however, it doesn’t last long when that thought detours and ends up changing the meaning of the lovely display, turning it into a trigger to think about all the other gifts she’s received from this other boy. All of them hidden somewhere, because she is sure Tikki hasn’t thrown them away as she asked. 

How is it possible that she manages to connect everything to him? She only wants him to disappear but he keeps coming back, like different seasons through her mind. 

“Marinette,” Nathaniel calls.

“Uh?” She blinks fast, coming back to reality. 

“Do you need help to get to Alya? You are shaking and I’m afraid you’ll fall.”

She wants to say that she has it under control, to look strong, and brush away the pain, but she _can’t._ He is right, she is so distracted and shaky that she will fall if she does not accept his help. 

“Yes, thank you, Nath.” 

He takes her by her arm and they begin to walk to the courtyard, Juleka following close behind, looking around probably to find Rose. 

They make it to the stairs and they slow down, many classmates are already going up and Kim goes down when he catches them, to help Nath who lacks the strength to fully help Marinette go up. 

Kim picks her up and carries her to the second floor. Truly she feels a little ashamed that she has to be carried, but since it is Kim and he is acting goofy, she lets it slide. 

“Alya and the guys are in the art room,” Kim points out at the end of the hallway, “Do you need help getting there?”

“No, thanks,” She still can do things for herself, and she will do them. 

Marinette takes back her crutches from Nathaniel and starts walking towards the end of the hallway, to look for Alya. _Only_ Alya. 

But, something strikes before she can make it to the art room. She loses balance and falls to the floor. 

The scream that rips through her throat and lips echoes like a blizzard. 

The lights turn dim before they lit out and in the sky, a blinding light breaks through. It’s accompanied by the loud and chaotic sound of screams. 

Marinette holds her breath. 

_Akuma._

Her purse shakes and hits her hip repeatedly. Tikki feels it too. 

Marinette rushes to the closest door and enters the room. Luckily it is empty. She falls to the ground and opens her purse. 

Tikki springs out, her eyes are larger than ever, filled with fear. 

“No! You’re not ready yet!” 

“If it’s not me, then who?!” She answers, “This is what I have to do. I’m still Ladybug.”

“But… 

“It won’t hurt when I have the suit.”

“It will because you will be fighting. It is different from patrolling, there’s no risk and you can do it alone!” 

“I can do this, and I can do it… without him.” Because that’s what Tikki is implying, that she doesn’t have a partner anymore. 

Tikki shakes her head but it is obvious that she won’t be able to keep holding Marinette down. 

Marinette trembles and has hardship getting back up, the pain pulsing beneath her skin but once she makes it she is ready to go. 

She gives one look at Tikki and shouts the words, obliging Tikki to transform her even if she is against it. 

This time the time doesn’t simply go away like last night, it throbs underneath, pulsing at the tik of the clock. But, it is bearable, like an uncomfortable headache would be. 

Marinette lets the crutches fall and leans towards the teacher’s desk, letting it hold all her weight until she feels stable enough to jump out of the window and go to action. 

The changing colors in the sky and the screams let her know that she doesn’t have much time. 

She takes a deep breath and straightens her pose. 

She crosses her fingers and gets ready to run. 

Only three rooms away from her, Adrien has calmed down and is trying to convince Alya and Nino that everything is alright. They’re not buying it. 

But he won’t give them more than what he has already given. He lost the ring, he is not Chat Noir anymore, but he will take that secret to the tomb.

His brain is working slowly, he can’t come up with any good excuses to explain why he completely fell apart by seeing a picture of the superheroine. 

Relief and happiness are not cutting it for them. 

Alya is the one who is pushing the most, she wants her answers immediately. Nino on the other side just looks utterly concerned.

When Alya starts to lose her marbles over the situation her phone chimes with an alarm. A very well known alarm.

“An akuma!” Alya says. 

Nino gasps and Adrien shakes on his spot. 

“It was about time,” Alya jumps and takes her phone out of her pocket.

“Alya!” Nino looks at her both surprised and disappointed.

“That’s not what I meant! It is not that I’m happy that there’s an akuma, it is just I was growing so paranoid! There hasn’t been one in like three or four weeks.”

Nino keeps scolding her, but Adrien has stopped listening. 

Slowly so he won’t be noticed he begins to take short steps to lead him to the door. Strange shadows and loud screams let him know that the akuma is close, which means that Ladybug could be close. 

If she is, she will be… without him.

Whoever she chose to be with her on this won’t be him, and that means that whoever they are, new hero or not, they won’t be at Ladybug’s pace. 

Adrien feels acid run through his throat… he wasn’t at Ladybug’s pace either the last time he was with her. 

He stops and turns to the window. 

Why would he be needed? The only reason why he worries is that she won’t’ have a backup, and who’s fault is that? No one but his. 

A strenuous sound echoes through the room, making the three friends jump. 

Adrien’s breath gets stuck on his throat and before he can notice he is running out of the room, down the stairs and getting to the front entrance of the school, following the dark cloud above the shining lines above the sky. 

From the sky, pieces of shining glass fall. They have holographic designs and are warm to the touch. 

This is not good.

He still doesn’t know how badly hurt she is, but at this point that doesn’t matter, this is a situation that will put her in extreme danger, healthy or not.

Adrien takes out his phone and opens the akuma-alarm app. An app designed to tell what’s happening and where the akuma is so you can stay away, but now he will use it just for the opposite propose. 

He has to keep an eye on her. He needs it. 

Jumping off of the stairs he makes it to the next corner of the street where a mobile-app bike park stands. He loses a bit of time there, it would be easier if he still had Plagg around to take out the locks without having to download and pay for the bikes, but he tries to focus on the positive side of having a bike and that he will be able to be faster with it. 

With that ready, he finds himself cycling down the streets, avoiding cars and people running, something that was much easier when he had powers, but that after a while of getting used to doesn’t present much hardship any longer. 

He knows he is close to the fight when a glass slits his cheek. 

Pressing hard on the brakes, the bike leans forward and Adrien jumps, at the end of the street he can see the red yo-yo circling around Ladybug as she runs, trying to avoid full-on spheres made of glass. 

Being closer to the akuma, he can tell is some sort of psychic.

One crystal ball gets to Ladybug and she falls to the ground. 

Adrien runs towards her, shattered glass against his sneakers, falling and scratching his arms. 

He stops and hides beside a car, keeping an eye on Ladybug, waiting for her to attack and every now and then watching the sky, looking for her companion.

After a few seconds he knows, he just knows, that she didn’t call anyone else. 

“For fuck’s sake, bug,” He mutters. 

Ladybug is crawling, trying to keep herself away and each time she tries to get up, she doesn’t make it. 

Adrien doesn’t think it twice.

Suit or not, he won’t let her get hurt. 

_Not again._

Standing up he looks at his surroundings, trying to find a weapon or some sort of tool to defend himself and his lady. 

Besides one of the cars that exploded there’s a long stick, thick enough to cause damage. 

Adrien smiles. 

He runs and takes it, rolling it on his hand and jumping obstacles. 

He gets just in time. 

A crystal ball is just about to hit Ladybug but he hits it with the stick far away from her before it does. 

It gives Ladybug enough time to stand up. He barely can see because of the blinding lights but a glimpse of red on her hand calls his attention. 

Relief flows on his veins but the distraction makes him lose the sense of the battle.

He gets hit and all turns black.

xx

Holding her breath and with the ring of her heart on her ears she watches as the city comes back to its original state. 

She has cleansed another akuma and the city is free of evil for one more day.

She falls to the ground and lets herself rest for a second. 

The excitement and adrenaline that was once running through her veins has evaporated and left her completely dry of emotion and energy. 

She can’t remember the last time a battle lasted this long, and it wasn’t anything to do with the lucky charm or figuring out where the akuma was hidden. She had a course of action but nothing went as planned, making her take a thousand different routes and beg to the skies for luck to fall on her.

Throwing her head back she shakes as she uses the wall to help her get up.

“You need to transform again,” Tikki says as she bites her cookie.

“You’re not done yet.”

“I ate enough for you to go home.”

“It’s fine I can wait.”

“I cannot. I know you’re in pain, Marinette. This was a hard akuma and you didn’t call for any backup.”

“I was able to do it on my own, wasn’t I?”

“You need a partner.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not! You-

“Transform me,” She shuts her up like that.

The last thing she needs right now is to be reminded of his absence. Not that she can ever forget that he is not by her side. 

As much as it hurts, as much as she hates to admit this, she missed him every second of the battle.

His jokes, the nicknames, his laugh, the clever clapbacks. 

Marinette sighs. 

Her mind is a mess. How can you miss someone you hate? It doesn’t make any sense. 

“Ladybug!”

The scream startles her and before she can put herself back together, a girl is in front of her rambling at the speed of light. 

“Can I ask you some questions?” It is the first thing Marinette understands from her whole speech. 

She is holding her phone and recording. She has a shirt with a logo on it but she feels so dizzy that she can’t read it.

“I… I have to go,” She starts, doubtful. She doesn’t want to give any interviews or statements yet, and when she does feel like it, she will go to Alya. 

“Please, just a few seconds. Our audience is just dying to know about you! After that video-  
“I have to go.” She repeats, this time there’s no sweetness in her voice. 

“But… you just got back we need to know-”

Marinette throws the yo-yo to the closest building and springs away without saying goodbye. 

She lands on a street not far away, she is not strong enough to keep using her powers. Something is not right. 

The suit is supposed to make her feel better, then why does she feel like she will faint at any given moment?

Because of that, she quickens her pace before the world falls on her shoulders. 

When she makes it home, her parents are in her room waiting for her and they’re not happy.

She gets scolded, she gets hugged a lot between mini-lectures too and she is obliged to go down and sit on the table and eat a big plate of food. 

It’s dinner time. She really hadn’t realized how late it was, her mind had been too focused on winning, and while she did see the sun setting, she really attributed that to the wintertime. 

But, not, it _is_ late. 

Marinette does as she is told, not because she wants to but because she doesn’t want to trouble her parents any further, they must have been at the edge of their seat watching her fight. Alone and hurt, not knowing what could happen to her next. 

She does her best at small chat and engaging with the conversation without letting slip how badly her leg is hurting, nor how much she wants to go to bed, hug herself and cry it all out. 

But she stays, she resists the urge and plays it nicely, plays it like everything is alright, as she has always done. The fact that they know who she is now won’t change a thing on her modus operandi, no matter how hard they try. 

The quivering smile only disappears when she closes the trap door behind her and she is back in her room. 

She throws herself to the bed and gasps, it feels like she is unable to breathe well since all crumbled down three weeks ago. Marinette picks up the pillow beside her and hugs it with all her strength, hoping to put herself together by doing it. 

But who is she trying to fool? Old ways never bring new results. 

“Marinette-” The voice is familiar and the chilly air that makes her skin crawl tells her that the trapdoor to the roof has been open. 

“Please go away,” She sobs, “I can’t deal with the craziness of the miraculous, right now. I just wanna be alone.”

“I deeply apologize, but I can’t go. I must give you something. Receive it and I’ll be out of here.”

Marinette lifts her gaze and sees Wayzz coming up to her, a heavy object on his tiny hands. 

It takes her a second to recognize it and then Wayzz has placed it on her hands. 

_His ring._

“No.” 

The words come out without her processing them, but she stands by it. She throws the ring gently into the end of the bed because she can guess why he is giving her that. 

“I’m sorry, but you need a new partner,” The kwami says and brings her the ring back, “Choose wisely.”

“What? No, I don’t need a partner.”

“You do!” Tikki chimes, before she can continue “If it wasn’t for that boy who hit the crystal ball, you wouldn’t have been able to keep fighting.”

She can’t refute that, it is true.

The strike didn’t let her see clearly but she saw the shadow of a man hitting the crystal ball with what seemed to be an iron stick.

It gave her the time she needed to stand up and run away. It was what let her save the city. If it wasn’t for that guy she would still be on the ground, maybe without her earrings. 

“Yes, Marinette,” Wayzz joins, his voice is softer than Tikki’s, “Without someone to wield the power of the cat, your energy is unbalanced. You _need_ someone at your side, or things will only get worse.”

Worse than this? She wants to ask, but he wouldn’t say it if he didn’t mean it. 

“I need someone so the energies stay balanced,” She repeats, trying to see if there are any loopholes. 

“When a wielder is chosen, it usually has a counterpart that matches their energy perfectly, even without a miraculous just by spending time together, their energies sing in harmony, but if that match can’t be found, then anyone with the qualities we look for is worth of it.”

“Okay. I understand.” 

“Be wise, Marinette,” Wayzz says and uses it as a goodbye. Leaving the ring back on her hand before he flies out. 

Marinette sighs and rolls in bed again, getting to the edge of the bed and letting her bandaged arm hang. 

She has to choose someone. 

_Someone else_ . _A replacement_. 

How can she replace him? How can she do that?

She doesn’t want to see him but give his spot to someone else, it feels… it feels weird. Wrong even. 

Marinette looks around, trying to find Tikki, to see if she can give her the answer to the question that’s building in her mind. 

“You’ll choose well,” Tikki says, but it doesn’t sound as if she really believes it, but more as if that is the best thing she thought she could say to calm her down. 

It’s not about choosing well, it is about the mere fact that she has to _choose_ _at all_. 

This is not how it was supposed to go. 

Marinette taps the floor with her fingernails and lifts her sight as she thinks of someone. Better to do it quickly, to not cause more tension and bitterness inside of her. 

She looks at the nightstand, catching a little box on top of it. She takes the gift box on top of it, opens it, and finds a flash drive inside. She rolls it on her hand and sighs. 

“What about Luka?” Marinette asks, the energy of the ring on her other hand feeling dull.

“If you think he is a good option.”

“It wouldn’t be a perfect suit but… I trust him.” 

And she needs someone she can trust. 

“Should we go immediately?” She asks. 

Tikki sits on her hair.

“Don’t rush it, Marinette.”

“I don’t wanna push it forward and forward, I know I won’t choose anyone if I do that. And really, I don’t have any other options for the ring.”

Tikki sighs, “Okay, if you think that’s what’s best.”

There’s no best, the best option is _not_ an option anymore.

“Let’s go, let’s do this quickly so my parents won’t notice I’m gone again.”  
And with nothing else to add to their conversation, off she goes. 

xx

The sound of the river crashing against the boats is rhythmic and gentle. This is one of her favorite sounds in the world and tends to bring harmony back to her tense body whenever she needs it, however, it doesn’t cause that feeling on her. Things that used to calm her seldom cause the same emotions anymore. 

Her nails dig on her arms as she hugs herself with a raw need for comfort. 

Her eyes are wide open, mouth trembling as her nerves bubble up on her blood. 

The lights of his room are on, she can see the shadows behind the curtains and hears the soft sound of the strum of a guitar. Of his guitar. 

A knot form on the back of her throat is heavy and rough, burns her insides with every breath. 

Marinette’s hands wrap around the box, her hands are shaking and she is afraid that she might drop the box to the deep canals of the Seine. 

She takes a sharp breath and reminds herself why she is here. 

He is a _safe_ option.

He is a good _enough_ option. 

She has to give the ring to someone. 

She needs a partner, it was made clear on her last battle.

It has never been this hard to give a miraculous, and this shouldn’t be an exception. In fact, shouldn’t it be easier? She has reasons to not trust the person who once held the ring, she doesn’t trust him anymore. 

She has to give it away. 

She has to find someone to trust. 

She has to-

“ _I can’t…_ ” She tightens her hold on the box and jumps far away from the Seine, into the rooftops. 

Right under the shadows of a pipe wall, Marinette covers her mouth with her mouth and muffles a repressed scream, to wild to be tamed.

Tears prickle on her eyes and she hugs the box close to her chest. 

The strong energy radiating from the small object and crashes against the desperate thumps of her heart. 

It sickens her how much comfort it brings her and before she realizes she is running away, yet her body doesn’t seem to understand that she can’t separate herself from the object, and even if she did, it will not cut the ties that she so hardly wants to make disappear but that lug around her, all loose yet still bold. 

Her feet give up on their own and she falls against the tiles, ending up at the same place she ended up last night. 

It’s the last place she wants to be at, and yet she is tugged to it. 

Crawling, she makes it to the wall and leans on it, trying to get some balance, hoping that the structure will give her the strength she lacks. 

A bright dancing spark calls her attention and her eyes follow it until they fall on the object making the small light swirl. 

It is a watch.. on a boy’s wrist.

He opens the window and when she process what is happening is already too late. 

He is there. 

He is watching. 

He _sees her._

Her whole body stiffens and her breath gets stuck on her throat. 

She can’t escape, his eyes have captured her. 

Marinette mutters a curse. Her body is playing tricks on her again, sometimes it will start moving on its own but tonight once again it has decided to not accept her orders and move. 

He locks his sight with her and shivers go up and down his spine and arms, they feel like needles scratching her skin with odd tenderness. 

His mouth opens and his eyes grow wide, he leans forward on the window and she fears that he might fall but he stays there, steady and watching right into her eyes. 

“Lad-” He stops, there’s another sound louder than his words. 

Marinette perceives it too. 

Adrien turns around and a light illuminates parts of the darkroom.

Someone is entering the room.

Finally, her body wakes up and she takes this opportunity to fly off.

**xx**

Adrien feels out of breath and even when his heart re-starts he doesn’t feel fully alive.

One second she was there and now she is gone. 

One second where he could see her. 

She is alive. 

_Alive._

_Alive._

_Alive._

He knew this, he saw her before, he heard her before but to see her out of battle, on a rooftop, just being… it just hits different, it pushes buttons that make different emotions bloom that the ones he had yesterday. 

“Adrien,” Kagami’s voice echoes in the room, bouncing on every wall and turning itself into needles that end up on his smooth skin. 

Her voice is tender and yet why does it feel so sharp. 

“What are you doing here?” He asks. 

“Nathalie let me in. I would ask if you aren’t happy to see me, but you already gave me the answer.”

Adrien keeps his mouth shut, he is angry but he doesn’t want to say anything to hurt her. 

“I know you’re hurt and angry and very confused after everything that’s happening but… you can’t keep sulking, I know I’ve repeated this a thousand times, but I say it because I care.”

“I know you do, but you don’t understand.”

“Because what you’re doing makes no sense, Adrien.”

“It doesn’t make sense _to you_.” He walks to the desk, hands on the pockets of his hoodie, not putting his eyes on her. 

“Well, I’m here, why don’t you try to explain it to me.” 

Kagami sits on the bed, he can feel her sight on him but still keeps staring everywhere else but her. 

“I’ve tried to, but it seems like “I’m a traitor” “I betrayed my best friend by letting her there to die” doesn’t cut it for you.”

“You didn’t betray anyone it was a mistake-

“I’m not supposed to make mistakes! and I don’t even think it was one! I was purposefully not paying attention to her! I was doing my best to not worry about her!” 

Adrien turns to her and throws his hands down against his legs, then his head falls on them, and he grunts. 

Kagami takes a step back, her expression changes, and her lower lip shakes a little. 

“Why would you be ignoring her?” There are real curiosity and confusion in her tone.

Adrien opens his mouth and closes it immediately. The answer is not something she deserves. 

“It doesn’t matter why… what matters is what I did-

“If that’s what matters, then my advice is good. Do something about it instead of standing in a dark room looking at the stars with lost eyes.” 

Kagami’s words are not mean, but she is so direct that her words find a way to hurt him.

“That’s what I’m trying to do,” Adrien stands up and starts pacing back and forth, “I know a way to fix it all.”

“Okay, I’m listening,” She says and taps the mattress, inviting him to seat at her side. 

Adrien keeps walking, pretending he did not get the gesture. 

“I’m going to help her-

“Help her?” Kagami jumps in, “Help her how? You don’t have the ring anymore!”

Another needle adds on the surface of his skin and starts to pierce down his bloodstream. 

“I was able to defend her today, no ring needed.” He crosses his arms in front of his chest and he leans down a little, eyes open, brows furrowed. 

He knows he chose the wrong words when Kagami’s eyes grow, looking darker than their usual honey brown. 

“It was you?! The guy from the video was you?!”

“Yes, who else do you-

“Are you out of your mind, Adrien? You could have died!”  
“That’s a stretch.”

“It is not! She was hurt, she was losing, and there were big pieces of sharp glass falling from the sky!”

“That doesn’t matter!

“It matters! You can’t just jump right in the middle of a battlefield and put yourself in danger! Why would you do that?”

“She needed help!” 

“She could have gone and look for help herself, that’s what she does!”

“There was no time! You have no idea how it is.”  
“I have some idea of how it goes, Adrien-

“Not like me!”

“This is not how you’re going to fix what happened! An apology is enough-

“It is not enough! It will never be enough!” 

“Listen, I know you think that-  
“I know it, Kagami, I know it. I know her! And she was all alone, I can’t let her get hurt more than I already have. This is my job and I must take it seriously. 

“It’s not your job anymore!”

“It will always be my job! I have to protect her!”

“No, you _don’t have_ to! You don’t have any powers anymore, that’s not protecting, that’s a suicidal plan!” 

“That’s not what it is, that’s not what’s gonna happen.”

“It’s exactly what is going to happen! You can’t do this!”

“I will do it… You don’t get me! 

“I try-

“No, you don’t, you don’t understand! She is-” His brain snaps on the perfect moment, shutting his mouth and taking one step backward, he hadn’t realized how close they are standing, his foreheads almost touching but it’s not tender or sweet, he can feel the violent energy that clashes like lighting and roars like a clap of thunder. His body is shaking, he feels weak and tense, and Kagami’s fiery sight doesn’t do him any favors.

Kagami takes a deep breath and circles her shoulders, her hand falls on her forehead and she rubs slowly. She lets out a frustrated sigh and instead of showing anger, her expression relaxes. 

Somehow it is way worse than seeing her angry, her eyes have a way to throw powerful daggers, the way she communicates with that subtle look it is more dangerous than any rampage of wrath ever could be. 

“She is _what?_ ” 

Adrien swallows. 

He can’t escape from this situation, it is obvious that she already knows what is coming. 

Kagami might still be bad reading people, but she is not bad at reading Adrien. They have been together for a few good months, and that has been enough, especially considering how much time they spend together. 

“C’mon speak, be man enough to tell me,” She pushes.

“I love you, I don’t wanna hurt you,” He answers.

“You’ll hurt me and then I’ll deal with it. Don’t flatter yourself, you’re not my whole world.”

There is half true and half cover-up in that sentence.

He knows her well enough to understand what she means and how this will go.

“ _Tell. me._ ” She pushes one more. 

“She is the love of my life,” He finally says, because that’s the truth and to lie it’s only a bigger disrespect towards Kagami. 

The air thickens around them and time passes slower. 

“There was never a chance, uh?” She huffs, “You should have said so.”

“There _was_ a chance, that’s why I gave this a try. I _wanted_ it to work out.”  
“ _I’m not second best._ ”

“No, you’re not.” He says, but they both know it doesn’t mean what they both want it to mean.

The following minutes are ugly, not as much as their conversation, but ugly nonetheless.

And as much as he wants to patch everything, to fix another thing he broke, things stay on the floor like shattered pieces of an expensive vase. 

The silence doesn’t begin when she leaves, but it becomes louder once she disappears by closing the door. 

He can’t hear her steps fading away, he can’t hear the beat of his heart at an unsteady peace. 

There’s nothing around him and he puts his hands on his head trying to understand what is happening as nothing can be heard, as his vision turns into a tunnel, as his skin feels itchy and sore. 

How does he manage to destroy everything he loves? How does he manage to make the people he love walk away?

He can’t find a reason to why he lashed out to Kagami like that. She deserved the truth, yes, but just because that’s the right thing to, not because the truth is to her standards. What Kagami really deserves is someone who can really love her and can take all her support and care in the ways she gives them, and not feel attacked with every word just because he is going through a bad time. So maybe this is good, maybe this is what is meant to happen. 

It doesn’t feel like it’s good, it feels like he is being ripped apart, and there’s not a single good thing about that. 

Adrien falls on the bed, left hand falling on top of his right, slim fingers running up and down his ring finger. There’s not an obstacle to prevent him from doing the motion swiftly, there’s not raging power electrifying him. 

This is the new normal and yet now it feels like he is discovering that he has lost the ring all over again. 

Because Plagg would know what to say, he pretends to not know, he pretends he doesn’t care about anything but him, but the little ball of hair cares _too much_. 

He would make him laugh, annoy him maybe but it would have been with a good cause. 

But he is not here and he won’t be. Adrien doubts he will ever see him again. 

Ladybug being outside his window means nothing. It was just a mere coincidence. A great, wonderful, and yet tragic coincidence. 

If she only knew… 

xx

The pain is back. 

Her limbs feel rigid, and it is like sharp nails are scratching with raw rage on her muscles, it is as unsettling and it causes her as much sorrow as the initial pain on her wounds did weeks ago. 

On her last medical check, the doctor said that her mind was making her pain worse because the meds that they put her in should have been powerful enough to ease the pain. 

Now she can confirm that the words were not just aimless theories, her mind is really more powerful than she first thought. 

Marinette hugs the big cat pillow close to her chest and muffles her sobs right into it, hoping her parents won’t’ come to check on her tonight.

“Marinette,” Tikki’s voice is sweet yet there’s a hidden stutter in it. 

She doesn’t answer. She can’t answer, her sobs are not letting anything else come out of her mouth. 

“Why did you go to his house again?” Tikki asks. It is not the first time she asks this since they came back. 

Marinette still is not able to give a good answer because she doesn’t know why. 

“We can’t keep ignoring this situation, Marinette. You can’t keep pretending that you don’t’ care, it’s destroying you from the inside out.” 

She is not good at pretending, she hasn’t been able to be numb about it, her emotions have taken over her every damn time, and still, she tries to act like this hasn’t caused a stir on her. When this has been a tornado, shaking and breaking everything inside her. 

“Marinette, I know you don’t want to talk, but I’ve had enough of this… you are withering… you’re losing yourself.” 

“I’m fine,” She lies. 

“You are not, and you will never be fine if you don’t fix things with him.”

Marinette gasps loudly. She shifts on the bed and sits down, the pain on her leg increases with the movement yet her anger overwhelms the pain. 

“I don’t want anything to do with him, there’s nothing to fix! I don’t want to talk to him, I don’t want to go and listen to him! I have to see him every damn day, isn’t that enough?!”

Her lie isn’t believable, but it loses any strength that it could have with the last phrase she says. 

Because they both know that it isn’t that she doesn’t want to talk to him, she wants to, badly, but she is afraid of what he could say, she is afraid of how it could go down. She is afraid that this will make her hate him. 

She is angry and confused and has never felt betrayed like this before because no one could ever hurt her as he hurt her. No one else has that much power over her. 

And yet, she has to see him every day. Adrien is right in front of her in almost every class, and she has to remember what he did, and day after day, she has to see him and she relives the most horrible moments of that day. 

She remembers him ignoring what she is saying. 

She remembers him being extremely flirty with Ryuuko and brushing her away.

She remembers him telling her to chill, that everything will go alright.

She remembers turning around, calling his name, asking for help, and then everything turning black.

She remembers opening her eyes and feeling the pain… realizing he hadn’t come for her. 

She remembers him smiling, with Ryuuko on his arms, both of them untouched by the destroying nature of the akuma. 

Marinette feels sick to her stomach. 

After all, this happened, after she woke up from the surgery and her meds weren’t interfering with her consciousness anymore she had looked for the video of the battle.

When she woke up she was still angry but there was a small flame of hope inside her heart that told her that once she looked the video, she would find Chat reaching for her, looking for her, trying to help her… but that’s not what happened… everything she remembers from the battle is real, it has nothing to do with the heated moments, with the pain she was feeling. Chat didn’t go for her, and she has to live with that knowledge. 

She has to go to class and watch Adrien every day and be reminded that now that he fell out of love, she is not that valuable to him anymore. 

Marinette loves him so much and would have done everything for him just because he was her partner… to know he doesn’t feel the same way… 

It fucks with her head. 

“I think you should talk to him, even if it’s only to let out all your anger.”  
“Why does it matter, Tikki? And I’m not supposed to know who he is if this had happened without me figuring out-

“I would have told you who he was so you could talk to him!” 

Marinette is taken back by that revelation. It means that Tikki really wants her to talk to him. 

She sighs and falls back on the bed. 

“I don’t want to,” Marinette stutters, choking on her sobs. 

“Isn’t it better to have closure? I’m not saying you must forgive him, or talk to him ever again after this, but I know you well enough to know that talking to him will be good for you, no matter what happens.”

Marinette hugs the pillow and turns around on the bed, her sight perfectly lands at eye-height of the magical box resting on her nightstand. 

“Wouldn’t it be easier to talk to Plagg?” Because maybe he has some information to make it all better. 

Tikki not answering is answer enough, however, Marinette extends her arm and catches the box on her hands. 

She gives one look at Tikki, who is frowning but not mad exactly, and with shaky hands she carefully opens the box. 

The green glow appears in the shape of a sphere, and she waits. 

The fluffy kwami appears in front of them, yawning a little a slowly opening his eyes, when he finally sees her, his eyes grow wider. 

“ _Oh_ , hello.” 

“You don’t sound happy to see me,” Marinette says with a tiny smile.

“I wasn’t expecting to see _you_ , pigtails.”  
Marinette touches her hair. She hasn’t worn her signature pigtails in a long long time and it is funny to hear the nickname, to know that that’s how Plagg has her inside his chaotic mind. 

“Why not?”

“I thought that the next time I woke up it would be to a new holder,” He yawns, “Is that with this is about? You’re about to pass me to someone else.”  
“I was supposed to do that tonight… I couldn’t do it.”

“Mm…” Plagg spins around her, “You couldn’t find anyone?”

“Uh, I mean I chose Luka Cou-

“Guitar boy?! Hell no! What kind of decision is that?! He couldn’t be a kitten in a thousand years!” Plagg shouts and his eyes glow in a brighter green. 

Marinette gulps and then mutters, “I’m sorry. 

“Ouch!” Tikki has hit Plagg and it’s sending him a deadly look.

“He didn’t mean it like that, right Plagg?”

“Yeah, yeah, it is just that I haven’t had my camembert,” The kwami mutters, “And… I don’t think you take bad decisions is just… that kid doesn’t have what it takes to be one of my kittens. He is a good snake, though.”

“Yeah, he is,” Marinette nods, “But I trust him so… so he was a good choice.”

Plagg stops twirling around and narrows his eyes, a small wince takes over his expression. 

He seems to understand what’s hidden in her words. 

“I guess trust is important too…” 

“Yeah.” 

“Did you wake me up to ask me my opinion on who I would choose?”  
“Not really,” Marinette sighs, “But… who would you choose?”  
“You’re not going to like my answer.”

A pain strikes on her chest, “You would choose him again?” Her disdain is obvious.

“I would choose him every single time.”

Not being the answer she is looking for, not being the words she wants to listen to, she rolls on the bed and gives her back to the kwamis. 

Tikki doesn’t say any word to her, but she can hear her muttering with an angry tone. 

Nonetheless, that’s how the conversation ends, no one pushing it to become more than what it was. 

Marinette sighs and shuffles on the sheets to get warm. 

As she is trying to fall asleep she hears a whisper. 

“By the way… I’m glad to see you’re okay, bug.”

Plagg’s words keep echoing on her mind, there’s something about them that makes her feel like there’s a hidden message in them.

But what could it be? 

Is she losing her mind? Plagg is allowed to feel good about seeing her, about figuring out that she is okay and not buried dead. 

Marinette sighs and stands up from the bed, giving quiet and slow steps towards the desk, hoping to not wake up the kwamis. 

The pain that spreads on her body is not as strong as it was when she got home, and as uncomfortable as it is as she walks, it is bearable. 

What is unbearable are the thoughts running on her mind, depriving her of a good night’s sleep. 

Not like she has had many of those since the incident. 

She sits on her desk chair and takes her phone that she left charging. 

There are a few messages from Alya and the girls popping on her screen but she ignores them, going through various apps before ending on Instagram to try to distract herself. 

However, as she goes through here feed and sees a picture of Nino and Adrien.

She gulps but instead of ignoring every post that contains him, as she has been doing in the past month, she zooms in, taking a close look at him. 

She does see him every day, but she doesn’t pay attention to him, so as much as his presence hurts, she has not really seen him in a long time. 

The first thing she notices is that he looks skinner, less muscular than regular, next thing is his black under eyes. 

He has always had trouble sleeping but it has never been this bad. 

Marinette sighs. Contrary to her belief, Adrien _does_ look bad. No, he looks _miserable._

He has never seen him like this… not as Adrien at least, and Chat Blanc doesn’t seem like a good memory to bring back either, so she just stays with the first thought, that this is an Adrien that she has never met before.

The unsettling feeling of rage and confusion burns beneath her skin and she turns her phone upside down. She leans back on the chair and covers her face with her hands. 

What is that she is feeling? Why is it so hard to figure out? 

Marinette looks back to her nightstand, where Tikki and Plagg sleep peacefully. She focuses on her kwami, and her words echo on her mind. 

Then she looks to the window, there aren’t any stars on the dark night sky and the lights of the street look dim.

She tsks and huffs in the spam of a second and manages to stand up and make her way back to the bed, not letting her eyes leave the outside world. 

“Closure, uh?” She says to herself and softly kicks the backpack under the bed, bringing it closer to the nightstand. 

Marinette puts her fingers around on top of her earlobe and caresses her earring with tender moves, a way for her hesitation to show itself, but after one quick look to the kwami, she takes off her earrings. 

Leaving them hidden and secure on a jewelry box, right next to Tikki to easily reach, she sits on the bed and takes her patrol backpack, and then without giving a second look, she takes the black ring. 

xx

After crying his eyes out on the shower, Adrien walks back to his window. 

He is wearing cozy pajamas, and the heat is on to make him warm, yet he feels like an iceberg has replaced his heart. 

He opens the window to feel the cold air of the night, hoping that that way he would find solace. 

Of course, the streams of wind and the tilting lights on the outside are nothing but exterior stimuli that can only make you feel right for so long, but they are things that can’t go away, they are things that don’t really matter and that’s what he wants right now. Because everything is extremely heavy to carry on his shoulders right now and to find joy on the little things is his last resource to make himself feel okay. 

“Well done, Agreste,” He whispers, “Another one for the books.”

He tries to make it sound funny, he tries to make it sound like Plagg, but it just leaves a bitter taste on his mouth. 

A shadow crosses through the rooftops and he jolts on his place. 

He didn’t see shades of red, it was all black, but still, nothing moves like her in the night. 

Adrien grips the edges of the window and leans forward, trying to get a better perspective to watch the skyline, to see if he has imagined it all. 

He leans forward and elevates a little from the ground as he does so, putting more strength on his hold to not slip up and fall. 

Once again, something moves. He shifts his head to the left and a black figure stands in front of him. 

“Bu-” He stops. Adrien can’t call her any nicknames, nor does he have the right to anymore. 

Her eyes are wide open and green, and she is wearing all black. 

_She has his ring._

Well, _the_ ring. 

She is standing there, looking at him and he can’t see, smell, hear or care about anything else but her.

Adrien waits for her to run as she did earlier. To dissipate and prove that she is a vision created by his desperate mind.

But she does not. 

He leans a little more to see if that would change things and his hand slips a little. 

A chirped gasp comes out of her lips and then a hand is pushing him back in the room. 

It all happens so quickly but it makes it all real. 

Adrien blinks a few times and watches her in front of him, standing outside the window, using the baton to stand at the building’s level. She is quiet and she is shaking. 

This is real. _She_ is real, and she is here. 

He can’t let her go away, he can’t live one more second away from her.

His mouth opens and as much as he wants to pour all his feelings, there’s only one thing that comes out of his mouth. 

“ _Do you want to come in?”_


	2. sore wounds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im as surprised as you all are
> 
> ps. sorry i don't have grammarly premium lol

He watches how her eyes grow big after listening to his offer. His eyes fix on her and start to notice the bruises she has close to her scalp, down to her ear, the edge of her jaw and on the visible part of her neck. Her bangs are falling gracefully to the side - _too_ gracefully- but he can take a peek, with the little cat senses he still has left, and see that underneath that perfect hairstyle there are stitches and missing hair.

He gulps, almost choking on his saliva, it feels thick and heavy and his throat has closed, impeding his ability to breathe, but he hasn’t stopped so his body trembles, and it is like he will puke, but there’s only the acid on his stomach, and it goes up as if it was a bubbly chemical reaction, but his throat is still closed, and he just feels as if his whole body will shut down but it’s too awake at the vision of her. And then the sensations pile up, then crumble down, then pile up again, and it’s a cycle of obscure overwhelming emotions that trigger and stop every reaction his body pulls. 

It is disgusting, nauseating, gory even. 

Upclose, face to face, breathing the same air, the consequences are not an image fabricated by his brain anymore, and yet, he knows there are so many more hidden marks of treachery that will present itself in flesh and pain. 

Her lips tremble and her sight finally fixes on his, only to look away a second after. 

However, she leans forward, closer to the window. 

Adrien takes one step back and that allows Ladybug to come inside the room. 

Her steps are careful and light as if she is ready to jump back to the window and run away from here at any given moment. Adrien is sure that it isn't a baseless guess, but what is truly going through her mind is still a cypher. 

After standing in the middle of the room and eyeing everywhere around, she finally walks back to stand beside the coffee table and lets out a long sigh. 

Next, Ladybug stands close to the window, only giving little steps in a small space. She takes the end of her long braid and starts playing with the end. 

He looks at her, hands on his pockets as he fidgets and waits for her to speak, for her to guide him where she needs to be. 

“It’s good to see you,” Adrien whispers and takes one step forward.

Ladybug crooks a brow and tightly hugs herself. She doesn’t answer. 

“You haven’t been out as Lady Noire in a long time. Is there a reason?” He asks, trying to sound as ignorant as a civilian would be. 

Ladybug lets out an amused scoff but there’s no real joy behind it. 

Her eyes are focused on the skyline and a thin layer of gleaming tears is set on her eyes.

Adrien gulps, unsure if the reaction has something to do with him or is all about the thoughts she’s been carrying through her night stroll. 

The question wouldn’t be an unusual one for a mere civilian. Maybe they wouldn’t be so eager to jump into it, maybe they would ask other questions first, but he was not a mere civilian… well, he was now, but there had been a time where he wasn’t.

_No._

He still isn’t a mere character walking down the road. He will never be, and yet that is the path he must pretend to follow. 

“This was a mistake,” He hears the whisper as loud as a siren. 

He jolts on his spot and takes fast steps towards her. It only makes her jump faster towards the window. 

“I- I’m-”

But before he can formulate a phrase on his mind for his mouth to stop the stammering, she is gone. 

His eyes follow as she is only a ship in the night between the sea of city lights. 

She is gone. 

Gone. 

Gone.

Gone. 

Gone.

Gone. 

Gone forever. 

But is she? 

She is not truly gone. She is alive, and she is patrolling, and Paris has their heroine back. 

But he doesn’t. 

He doesn’t have a partner, he doesn’t have a friend, he doesn’t have his other half. 

He is a broken piece of a human that once felt he finally had the piece that could make him endure life, and now she is gone. 

Not _truly_ , but he has been left alone with her shadow roaming through the brightest corners of the life of others, yet creeping on the back of his mind, only smiling on his memories, and frowning and avoiding his gaze into the future. 

His breath stops once again. One little detail striking like lightning. 

She avoided his gaze as if he was a deathly disease. 

Could… could she know who he was? 

Marinette seems to be aware that he once was something special; _someone_ special. And Ladybug is as smart as her, if not more. 

But if she knows, then she wouldn’t have come. If she hates him so much that she couldn’t even bear for him to touch her when she needed someone to lean on (not in the figurative sense) then why would she seek for him? Why would she come to him? 

It doesn’t make any sense and yet he can’t shake the thought out of his mind. 

And it stays there, like a fly on the wall. As the days pass he will forget about it, and then the buzz of the wings will echo in the chamber of his mind and then it would be the only thing he can focus on. 

Not school. 

Not Kagami.

Not his friends.

Not Nathalie.

Not his father who finally makes time to have dinner with him.

Nothing at all.

Nothing but her and the knowledge she might have. 

The wonder wouldn’t even pretend to hide when the sunset, it would make itself appear in other shapes through dreams. Some of them are tranquil, others are as bitter as reality can be, and yet the bittersweets are the worst. They show the road not taken, they show him taking good decisions after the terrible ones he’s taken, and reward him with what he has always wanted, the unravelling of the secret. Every day he wakes up and knows that he does not deserve any of it, that this can’t happen and that if it does happen he has to make sure he does not gain any redemption from it. And every day he wakes up knowing not only that he has broken every piece of her soul, but also has put her in imminent danger. 

When she left he could see her limp, he could see how he prefered a certain grab on the yo-yo, and how short her jumps were in comparison to her usual ones. 

There is nothing he can do to make it right, he’s already brought destruction to them, but if he could find a way to protect her, he wouldn’t think it twice. 

**xx**

He is sitting right next to Luka on the café table, as Nino looked for an empty chair he could use, he scribbled on a napkin. 

They were waiting for their order to come, only one glass full of fresh water in front of each, and sugar and a plate of napkins in the middle of the round table. 

Luka had his phone out, scrolling through, and tapping his foot against the pavement in a comforting rhythm. 

This 

“Sorry, I found a chair inside almost immediately, but I got bombarded by messages from Lya.”

Luka and Adrien giggled, the first more enthusiastic than the second, but that wasn’t a rare occurrence anymore, so there was no comment about it. 

“How many of those texts were pictures?” Luka asks. 

“Oh, half of those. She’s so excited that LB is back.”

Adrien stops drawing and looks towards Nino, watching his phone as Luka takes a look through the pictures.

“Ladybug was out?” He asks, pretending to not be incredibly interested. Even if after his breakdown in school he doesn’t think he can get away with it. 

“Yeah, there was an akuma attack like an hour and a half ago?” Nino asks and Luka nods at him, “Don’t you have your alarm on?”

“No.” It was too painful to hear the akuma emergency line going off and not being able to do anything. 

“Why not? You have to, you’re going to put yourself in danger.

His mouth opens and closes before he can show how uninterested he is in his safety. If he can stumble through the path of an akuma, he might see Ladybug, and no matter how many bruises, cuts, or blood he might lose on the way, all that pain would be worth it.

“It just stresses me out.” He lies, realizing his friends are expecting an answer, “Was she alone?” He can’t help but ask.

The shadow that crosses his friend’s eyes doesn’t startle him. He’s grown accustomed to this reaction. 

“Yes.” They nod. 

They seem to be interested in continuing this conversation, but Adrien has the call on it, and he doesn’t want any of it. They can’t know how personal it is for him, they can’t know that knowing that she is out there alone makes him feel as if he was cut in half. 

“What were you looking for in your phone?” He says, turning his head to Luka, “You looked consumed by your phone.”

“A bike.” He gives a toothy smile. 

“You already have one,” Nino says confused. 

“I think he means a motorcycle,” Adrien smiles. 

“Yes.”

“That’s so awesome,” Adrien chimes, “I have a license for it. My father doesn’t know, of course, but once I’m out of the house I’m buying one bike for myself too. Which ones have you seen?”

And Luka pulls out his phone again, showing the different models he has his eye on. 

Adrien is glad that the subject takes a lot of the conversation. As their food and coffees arrive, they’re still talking about the prices, the equipment, the special license he has to have, and how Juleka isn’t very fond of him buying “such a dangerous vehicle”.

“She wants me to buy a car, I’ve tried to let her see that a car doesn’t go with my style.”

“It would be more comfortable for you to carry around your instruments.”

“Yes, but a car will never be cooler than a bike. Also,” He changes the website to a new one, “Look at these amazing suits and helmets.”  
Nino and Adrien move their chairs closer to Luka to get a better look. 

There are different jackets and trousers to suit up for the cold, or not burn yourself with the pipes of the bikes (apparently this wasn’t a rare thing), there are others that only had the objective of making you look while riding. Adrien could understand that sometimes having a cool suit just made things better. 

When Luka changes to the helmets, there is one that catches Adrien’s attention. 

Is black and matte, with neon green accents around the shield, and all around the curve, as if it was stitched. 

“Wow,” He hears himself gasp. 

“I liked that one too!” Luka jumps, “But I think I will look like an astronaut, also I don’t think black is my colour.”

“It is mine.”

Nino and Luka laugh.

“When have you ever worn black?” Nino asks and gives him a shake as he hugs him, “I think I’ve seen you only wear it on photoshoots, and you always look so awkward.”

“I look fantastic in black.” Adrien protests, but not truly caring about making a better comeback. 

His mind is too busy planning something else. 

**xx**

Marinette rolls the chain of the necklace around her finger, the pendant on it falling to her palm. 

“That’s really pretty.” Alya says, looking from above Marinette’s shoulder, “You should buy it.”  
“Too expensive.” She shrugs and puts it back on the box, giving it to the saleswoman, “Thank you.”

She turns around and walks towards her friend who is eyeing a pair of earrings. Polka-dot earrings.

She winces

“Don’t you have a pair like those already?” She inquires. 

“Yes, but they’re fantasy jewellery, these are made of silver and the borders have gold. They’re expensive but I’m looking at it as an investment.”

“Don’t you think you’re going to get tired of her?”

“What? No! What makes you think that? Have four years of fangirling not been enough for you?” 

“They have but… she hasn’t been on her A-game lately. It’s kinda sad and truly frustrating.”

“She got hurt, Marinette.”

“Yes, but-

“And Chat Noir hasn’t appeared.” The sombre tone on that phrase made Marinette tremble, “You know this. Everybody knows it.”

“Yes, yes, I know, but that’s exactly it. Thousands of people have lost all interest in them, and-

“I’m never going to lose interest in them!” Alya looks scandalized, “Something must be wrong with Chat.”

“He left her there to die, of course, something is wrong with him.”

Alya’s gelid look and silence hit her harder than any scream or insult could have. 

“Don’t tell me you’re one of the people who believe they have broken off. I can’t look at you ever again if you think that, Marinette.” 

“What else could have happened, Lya?” She huffs, “You saw the videos, you’ve posted the videos!”

“We don’t know what truly happened.”

“Your faith and loyalty to their, obviously broken, partnership amaze me.” If only someone else had the same look on what a team is, then the pain spreading around her limbs would be alarming and not a sinister acquaintance that she wishes she would never have to run into. 

“It amazes me how ill you think of them,” Alya sighs, “Do you blame them for-” she doesn’t finish the sentence but she doesn’t have to.

“Do you want me to answer that?” Marinette furrows her brows. 

She is actually asking, because if Alya _does_ expect an answer, Marinette isn’t sure of how to put all that she is feeling into a coherent sentence. 

“She was hurt. She couldn’t fix it, you know she would have never left this mess behind on purpose.”  
“Well, then it’s obvious whose fault it is.” Marinette crosses her arms in front of her chest and spins on her heels, walking towards the makeup aisle of the store hoping to leave the discussion behind and be amused by superfluous things. Because if the most precious bond she had could fail her in such a tumultuous way, then what is the point in focusing on anything of meaning? It all crumbles down. 

**xx**

The silence between Marinette and Alya is chilling, and the weather mirrors it, painting the skies grey and the windows of stores with freezing blur. 

Alya is mad, she can tell, but she can also see her brain working through other feelings. 

Marinette could say something, assure her that her horrible attitude has nothing to do with Alya per se, but that her words and interests are making it very hard for her to go through life pretending that nothing happened. 

She still believes she can achieve that level of pretending in which you start to believe your own lies, yet this is impossible if she has Alya by her side, chiming with joy every time there’s an akuma alert just because she might catch a glimpse of Ladybug. 

Because that’s all she’s been able to get. 

Marinette works in a completely different way than she did before. Papillon seems to have changed ways too, but she couldn’t blame him. He wanted both of the miraculous, and with only one running around and the other not on sight for the longest time ever, he probably has grown wary. Or probably he is the only one who can see through and knows that Chat Noir isn’t coming back. And what is the point of having the miraculous if he doesn’t have both?

Marinette has asked herself the same question. What is the point of it all if it’s only her?

Before her thoughts tangle upon each other, creating knots of chaos that will weigh down on her, becoming heavy not only in her mind but also on her body; Alya’s shout makes her look up and then follows her index finger pointing at the other sidewalk.

In the bus stop, there is a familiar silhouette. 

Alya smiles, brightly and runs faster, crossing the street in red light, shopping bags jumping as she takes long steps. 

Marinette can’t help but pull a pained face.

Kagami is the last person she can endure to see today. 

The truth is that she has been anxious about the subject that it is Kagami for more than the obvious reasons. 

She’s been nothing but caring and loving -in her own way- towards her since Marinette left the hospital, and that’s a rarity for her, to be so blunt about it. 

At the beginning it had been hard, so tough that Marinette had to plan her answers by writing them in a post-it note before sending them, to assure herself, after reading it repeatedly, that she wasn’t being mean or cold towards her friend. 

Their conversations had been short but sweet, and after reading their texts she hadn’t found anything that could be interpreted as strange, nor could serve as an explanation of why Kagami isn’t picking up her calls nor answering her messages. 

If Kagami has, against any magical force, connected the dots, then she’s discovered who she is, and what has happened, and what role she played in the crumbling of the city. And she might not care about anyone unless they’re close to her, but there’s a sense of duty and collectivism inside of her that would break her if she finds out. Also, if she knows, then she is aware of how badly hurt Marinette is, and she doesn’t want to see guilt or pain in Kagami’s eyes, it would be too much. 

She’d avoided Adrien’s eyes successfully, but that won’t fly with Kagami. 

Marinette crosses the street when the light is green, and it is then when Alya seems to remember that even if she isn’t wearing crutches anymore, it is still hard to walk.

“Don’t worry about it,” Marinette brushes her hand at her, hoping the paleness and wide eyes disappear, and then turns to the sad-looking girl in front of her, “Hi, Mimi.”

“Hi, Nette,” Kagami takes a step further and catches her in a hug. 

At that moment all her doubts are gone, and she realizes that the problem doesn’t lay on her, but in Kagami. Something’s happened to her. 

There’s no spoken question, only a hug that makes Marinette drop her shopping tote bag and hold onto Kagami as if the world is about to crush around them once again. 

It is surprising, to say the least when Kagami speaks and lets her know what is that has her so shaken. 

“He broke up with me.” She whispers so low that Marinette almost thinks she must have imagined it.

“ _What?_ ” A breathless question, shocking in her disbelief. 

“He broke up with me,” She repeats, same tone, same volume, same energy. 

Same confusion nesting in Marinette’s heart. 

**xx**

It’s 1 AM when the alarm rings. 

It struck him as a surprise, he has completely forgotten that he is the one that has reactivated the notifications on the app. But once the drunken state of sleepiness wears off, and only spasms of tiredness wash over his body making him aware of himself, he can remember everything he’s planned. 

He jumps out of bed, like a loose spring on an old couch and runs to his closet with soft steps and controlled moves so he makes so little noise that not even a cat (him) could hear. 

The outfit is still on the package it came, too afraid to open it up when it arrived, but now he can only feel the adrenaline rushing through his veins. 

As he takes it off the box, he also takes comfortable underwear and a black undershirt, knowing that the leather parts of the suit will make it uncomfortable for him to move. Real leather is nothing like magical textiles, and he can confirm it to anyone who asks. 

He zips the trousers, and the jacket, and runs to the other side for his combat boots before going to the mirror and stare at himself. 

His attire is the one of a motorcyclist, a professional racer. The suit is much more comfortable than the simple rider ones that Luka showed, but those are the ones who gave him the idea. 

Looking down to the floor, on the corner of the mirror, he sees the other box. 

He kneels and from his belt he takes his swiss knife, opening the box. 

A smile forms on his face as he sees the helmet. 

It is not the same one he saw with Luka, but it’s been pretty much inspired by it. It’s black, but instead of green there are electric blue details, but he asked for a wider and blue-tinted shield. It not only allows him to see much better than the one of a normal bike, but it’s also built for him to see, but no one else can see him. He’s protected by the blue screen of the shield. 

He puts it on and takes one last look in the mirror. 

Taking a big breath he runs to the window. 

He might not have his powers now, but he knows a thing or two of how to escape by climbing down trees. 

It’s 2 AM when he finally gets to the scene. 

There’s not much damage spread through the town, mostly on one side of the river, because Ladybug hasn’t moved from there. Still, because of the security system the city has installed, it was extremely hard to find streets open that could lead him there. 

He rode a rented bike to the scene, still waiting for the expensive purchase to make it home, to have one of his own. And now he is standing in the corner of the river, looking around as he sees specks of bright light hanging above as if they were gigantic Christmas lights. 

There’s still time until Christmas so he doesn’t truly understand the theme of this akuma. But to be honest, he stopped trying to make sense of them as time went on. This time is only a way to calm his anxiety and tell himself that what he is doing is right. 

Or well, not right, but at least not crazy. 

He isn’t sure how long he stands there without doing anything but looking up to the sky until a shrike ruptures through the sky and another ball of light appears on the sky. 

Adrien jumps to his bike and starts following the ball as it moves because behind it there’s a red dot hanging from a thread. 

At every turn, at every change of direction, backwards, forwards, to the river, to the cathedral, it doesn’t matter where she is going, he follows her. 

He follows and keeps an eye on her and their surroundings, trying to catch a spark in her eyes when she is close enough, in her movement when she is far away, something that can tell him if he can help her. 

It’s not that he is waiting to jump into action and fight beside her. That is something he desires but knows that can’t happen; however, he wants to help her somehow. She still hasn’t brought a replacement, and she hasn’t called for any other holder, and though other questions concerning her have been in the front of his mind, this is the thing that has worried him the most. Seeing her alone. 

It is the reason he turned off the akuma alert, not only it frustrates him that he can’t do anything to help, but it drives him insane to know that she is all alone, in a level of danger that she’d never been before. 

All because of him. 

The idea of helping her, of being a backup, or maybe just being close enough so he could handle her any object that she might need to make her plans succeed came at lunch with the boys, but his brain unconsciously had been coming up with ideas for weeks now. 

He knows that he doesn’t deserve to be her partner, he doesn’t deserve any forgiveness, nor an opportunity to be heroic, but this isn’t about that, this is about ensuring she is safe. 

Having no powers, he can’t assure perfect protection, but she will give everything he has to offer her a safety net if needed. 

She protects the city. He protects her, that’s how is supposed to be. 

And that’s how it would still be if he hadn’t acted like a child. 

**xx**

Attacks are less common as they were before. Adrien is starting to believe that Papillon doesn't’ have the same interest in getting the jewels anymore. 

It is a crazy thing to think but his lack of trying is rather telling. 

Would it be possible that he feels guilty? That he saw the videos and the rotten corner of his heart that once held morals and empathy lit up?

Not entirely, he still sends potentially dangerous and complicated akumas, but they don’t seem half as determined in getting Ladybug as much as getting the goals that shaped them into hungry power monsters. 

In a sense, he knows it is nearly impossible that Papillon has seen the light, no one changes that much overnight. 

It is not an easy task to evolve, and truly unachievable if you don’t desire to, or haven’t seen consequences of your behaviour.

Or on a more personal level, have ignored them. 

Adrien looks around the city, hand around his leg, cheek pressed against his knee. 

He is turning eighteen in only a month, and the runs and rides around the city, following LB every time he gets the chance have been enlightening, to say the least. Not that the chaos of seeing the person he cares the most hurt hadn’t pulled every heartstring, but he has been submerged in obscure pain, drowning in the middle of a lake, being sucked by a mysterious current; and now he is able to swim away, going towards the edge. 

He is still in pain, he still feels guilty, he hasn’t stopped feeling the ways he knows he is supposed to feel, but now the emotions are becoming and state of mind more than a reactionary way to cope, and he can see beyond his actions. 

It is humiliating to admit, that at almost eighteen years old, his behaviour that day, that damned rotten day, he had let himself be driven by old times pettiness that had no space nor right to be accumulating in his heart. He thought he had put it all behind, but that day something had flickered inside and guided him back towards those ill feelings. 

It had all started before the fight, but he couldn’t recall what had been the trigger. He could only remember that that day he’d realized that he had never gotten over her. 

It hadn’t settled well with him. 

Yet, he should have had a better reaction than just completely ignoring her. He should have been mature enough to put his problems aside, because they are his and only his, and focus on his job, his duty, on being her shield. 

But because of pettiness and immaturity, instead of being the shield, the mighty protector, he became the dagger that stabbed her in the back. 

Whenever he closes his eyes, he can see her in front of him, dripping blood on the side of her face, turning into fat drops in her eyelashes, changing paths when they fall from her cheek to her trembling mouth. He sees her and he feels panic as electric as it was in that moment. He sees her and remembers reaching out, and her snapping back. 

The pain that movement had brought to her was displayed on her face, on the hiss that came out of her clenched teeth. She’d been in excruciating pain, and yet she’d welcomed more just to not be touched by him. 

Adrien looks at his hand. He used to have the power of destruction tingling in his fingertips… maybe he still has it, because he knows by now that there is more than one way to tear down a person. 

**xx**

It is not until Alya mentions it at lunch that Marinette can confirm that what she has been feeling the past two weeks is not simple paranoia. 

There is someone following her in battles. 

Alya got the pictures sent anonymously by one of her blog subscribers. One of those loners without life that work as paparazzi and make Marinette’s life harder than already is.

She’s never expressed how dearly she hates these candid photos because finding these new pictures it’s one of the things that make Alya the happiest and fulfil her crazy dreams or theories, the ones she later ends up writing about in her blog and a thousand people read. And because so many people read, Alya gets paid by sponsors. So, if Marinette says how much she hates them, she knows they will end up in a fight because Alya will throw all that on her. 

She’s been close to snap a few times during the month, but she has controlled herself, fearing the consequences the little argument could lead to. She’s already lost someone, she isn’t going down that road again, not when she’s already exploring the beating path of a broken heart. 

But she must admit that this time the pictures do have a use. They help her know that she isn’t crazy and that the same man (he is sure he is a man, the way the moves and the shape of his body are rather telling, but who knows she could be wrong) has been appearing battle after battle.

He hasn’t done more than following her, but now that she can confirm that he has been present for two weeks, she knows there must be a reason behind his presence. 

“I’m dying to post these! If only I’d brought my laptop today.”

Before Marinette can answer, someone, speaks. 

“I wouldn’t post those if I were you.”

Adrien is on the stairs, looking down to the bench. 

Marinette frowns. It’s been a month since the last time he tried to reach her. He doesn’t get close to Alya or Nino when she is close, and she has been enjoying that distance. So why does he feel the need to appear now?

“But it is the most exciting picture I’ve gotten in so long! Also, I’m quite sure that is Chat!”

“Or he couldn’t be and you’re putting a civilian at risk.”

“We don’t know who they are or why they are there,” Nino appears behind Adrien, “For all, we know it could be a government minion. They have not been the most amicable towards LB since she was unable to fix the city. They’re probably keeping an eye on her.”

“It makes sense,” Marinette whispers. It has been hard with politicians and government workers annoying her or calling her to explain what happened, or to fix it all now. No matter how many times she’s let them know that there’s nothing she can do, they keep bugging her. 

“I can’t believe they don’t trust her! It was one time!”

“One time is enough.” Marinette hears her answer being echoed by Adrien. 

She has to resist the urge to laugh. How bold of him to say something like that in such a casual manner.

He seems to see behind the mask she is pulling because he winces and looks away from the girls. 

Quite insane how good he’s become at reading her, when he was unable to do it three months ago, in the side of himself that mattered. 

“You’re all insane. I think it’s Chat Noir. I’m sure it is him.” 

“That makes no sense, babe,” Nino jumps the rail of the stairs and sits besides Alya.

Marinette takes a look at Adrien, a cautionary one. Telling him that if he even dares to approach closer than he already is he will regret it. 

But he is not watching her now, he has his eyes fixed on the horizon. Marinette follows his sight and stumbles with Kagami, on the door of the school. She is wearing her training attire, red big hoodie and leggings, leg warmers and chunky sneakers, and her hair is in a small ponytail that she can pull off because her hair has grown. She has her sports bag hanging from her shoulders, and a water bottle in her free hand. 

Marinette feels a rage bubble in her stomach. Yet, a little bit of relief because she has an excuse to flee the scene, and walk away from Adrien. 

As slow as she walks, she does her best to accelerate her pace and get to Kagami before Alya or Nino can call for her. 

“Gami!” Marinette smiles and waves at her as she approaches. 

Kagami doesn’t smile back, and her glance goes above Marinette’s head. 

She doesn’t have to turn around to know who she is glaring at, the poison in her pupils is enough indication. 

“I need to talk to you,” Kagami says, finally greeting her. 

“Okay.”

“In private. It’s… delicate.” 

Marinette bites her tongue and shakes her head in agreement. Taking Kagami’s hand and going to the changing rooms that she knows are empty at this time of the day. School is over and no one stays to practice any sports or go to clubs on Fridays. 

When they get there, Marinette’s brain is spinning around as if she rode the crazy teacups at an amusement park. Making her nauseated and hard for her to focus on anything but the feeling. 

She isn’t sure how she will be afront this. 

Yesterday, Marinette had been relieved about the silence. Kagami didn’t want to say anything and Marinette didn’t push. 

But now, how is she supposed to avoid this? 

She isn’t strong enough to hear her speak about her relationship with him. 

Without realizing she is already sitting in the square bench and fidgeting with the hem of her cardigan, pulling loose threads. 

A hand hovers over her and makes her lookup. 

Kagami’s long skilled hands touch her head, just a millimetre aside to the hidden stitches. Then, moving softly and calculating, she fixes her hair and gifts her a broken smile. 

“I would do the same,” Kagami whispers and sits beside her, moving her bag to her left so it won’t drop between them. 

“I don’t like to show people that I can be weak, vulnerable… I understand why you’re hiding it, even if the reason why you hide how hurt you are, is far different than mine would be.”

Marinette doesn’t answer. 

Kagami opens her bag and takes a grey square pouch and hands it to her.

“There are painkillers and a few Japanese remedies here that I tend to use when I’m in pain. I also added a few sweets I had from my trip to Kyoto last semester and a few of those washi-tapes you like.”

“Thank you so much, I love it, but you didn't have to. I’m truly fine.”

“I know you’re not.” Kagami sighs and throws her head back, “The thought has been bugging me for a month now, but after yesterday, when I hugged you the penny finally dropped.”

Marinette squeezes the pouch and side-eyes her friend. 

Does she… does she mean what she thinks she means?

Has she connected the dots?

One long look at her, at the expression on her face, at the tension of her slumped shoulders and the bags under her eyes makes her panic. 

Kagami notices and speaks. 

“ _Do you hate_ **_me_ ** _?_ ” Her voice is so tiny and it almost sounds like a sob. 

It’s not direct confirmation, yet she says it all with those words.

Marinette knows that she has to answer, that it is a valid and important question, but she can’t focus on anything but someone knowing her secret.

“How?” She asks, her voice shaky, her breath following the same pattern. 

Kagami shrugs. 

“I see the way you look at Adrien, well, how you _don’t_ look at Adrien. Nothing else made sense-” So, she also knows that Marinette is aware of who he is under the mask, “-but if it was true then... then everything falls apart. I didn’t want to be right, but when I hugged you I felt the bandages on your back. It made me pay attention to you and started to see all the wounds you have carefully covered.”

So she’d done the only thing Marinette had been trying for everyone to not do: pay true attention to her.

“ _He_ doesn’t know if that’s what you’re asking. Not consciously at least.” 

“I couldn’t care less about him.” Lies one day will come true if she keeps telling them. 

Marinette turns around when there’s no answer. 

Kagami has her hands on fists and is looking down to the floor, a few tears falling down her cheeks -that Marinette will pretend she has not seen-. 

She looks as if she is expecting the worst. As if Marinette is going to hurt her and she has accepted that it is what she deserves. 

“I don’t.” Marinette says tenderly and puts her hand over hers, “I _don’t_ hate you.”

She lets out a gasp and her head snaps to finally find her sight. 

“But,” She stutters, “But you hate _him._ ” Confusion washes over all her features, making her look pale. 

“It’s different.” _Outstandingly different._

“Different how? I was there too.” She hides her face behind her hands, “I… I told him it wasn’t his fault, that he didn’t know,” Kagami gulps, tears accumulating on the corners of her eyes, a view Marinette never thought of seeing, “When I realized that it was you, it made me look at the situation differently, to approach it from a different stand-point. I do think that… We are guilty, nothing would have happened to you if we hadn’t been flirting.” 

Acid accumulates on the back of her throat, and she feels as if her insides are burning. The mere mention of it makes her go back to the scenes before falling into the darkness. She can see them laughing, she can see him brushing her aside, not caring about what she is saying, constantly acting as if he completely forgot she was there. 

But as the scene replays in her mind, so does the words she has been telling herself about her friend. 

“You’re not guilty.” Marinette says firmly and keeps talking before Kagami can even think of protesting, “You’re not the one who is supposed to have my back, you do what we tell you to do. 

“You don’t know my signs, or what is normal for me, what movements or glances are meant to spark concern; you don’t know when I’m serious nor when I, as focused I can be, allow a certain level of playfulness. But _he_ is- he _was_ supposed to know.”

A spark of recognition lit up Kagami’s eyes, but Marinette isn’t sure what caused it.

“I don’t hate you because you did what you were supposed to do. Because you didn’t know any better than to do what he was telling you to do. What he did is… he…” 

Betrayed her.

He forgot about their partnership, put it aside, didn’t prioritize it and then let her fall. That is betrayal, that is not only stabbing your friend on the back but also making the dagger that pierces through their heart. 

“I’m truly sorry, I wish I could make it all different.” She says, crestfallen.

“You can’t, but what you can do is not drag this any longer,” Marinette massages her temples, “I want my friend to stay being her usual self towards me.”

Kagami lets out a shaky smile shine in her face.

“I can do that.”

They stand up and they both lean in for a hug, this one doesn’t last as long as the one before, but it’s sweet enough to assure Marinette that this is closure. 

Walking towards the door with less tension roaming around them, Marinette feels a part of her heart mending itself. 

“Marinette.” Kagami stops at the door, pressing the handle of her sports bag close to her chest. 

“Yes?”

“I…” She sighs, “I’m angry at him too, he has hurt me deeply and… I know it is different, but I do feel the need to throw big heavy objects at him every time his stupid face flashes in front of my eyes.”

Marinette lets out a giggle. What a familiar feeling she just described. 

“But…” And Marinette lets her smile fall because she can see that she won’t like the following words. 

“I don’t mean to excuse him, I swear I don’t. I know nothing will make you change your mind, but I have to tell you,” She stops and looks at the exterior, at the playground of the school, probably looking to see if he is still in the same spot. “He was acting strangely before the battle, but it increased when we were there. I noticed but didn’t mind at the moment because… because I was finally not a third wheel, because I felt that finally, my boyfriend cared about me the way he was supposed to.” “I can see it for what it is now. Only an act. Now, I don’t know why he was putting up a show but… but it wasn’t him in that battle, it was someone else entirely.”

Waiting for an answer. 

“You’re right. It doesn’t change anything.” 

As she says it she knows that it is another lie. 

**xx**

When the wind whispers words then you know you’ve lost your mind. 

As she lies on the rooftop of a building, after fighting an extremely difficult akuma, with pain pulsing beneath her skin and without recovering the normal pace of her breathing yet, she feels the lids of her eyes getting heavy, the need of sleep whisking her away from reality. She knows she must stand up; she knows she has to go back to the fight, and yet her body won’t answer her calls. The only thing she can hear are the murmurs of ghost voices spinning like a tornado, telling her to stay there, telling her there’s no need to keep going that she can fall asleep under the starry sky. And in between those voices, she hears her problems, the desperate screams of her heart telling her that this is the time to get reinforcement and that if she needs someone on her side then there's’ only one person she can go to. Nonetheless, she can’t trust that person. 

But if all the fights before hadn’t shown how badly she needed someone on her side, the one that had just ended had been the nail in the coffin. 

She wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t for the mysterious bike man. 

Her leg had been hurting, making her limp as she ran. This had caused other parts of her body to malfunction and when her head felt light, and a chirping noise pierced through her ears, her body gave up. 

She fell in the middle of the street, and the sensation brought a thousand flashbacks of smoke and debris falling with her; of blood running down her eyes, like a warm silk curtain; of her heart beating fast, shouting to the universe a beg for mercy. 

Right in the street, she did not let herself flip through the pain, she focused back on the fight. 

Her arms were bending, the palms of her hands -and the lucky charm she was holding- pushing against the asphalt to stand again, but it wasn’t working. She didn’t give up, as much as she wanted to, she didn’t let herself do it and kept pushing until she was able to be back on her feet. 

Her eyes had been half-open but that had been enough to see it all. 

The time she took trying to stand gave the akuma an advantage, and when Marinette turned around, an iron bar was coming straight up to her. 

She had no strength left on her body, only the one to balance her and to carry the lucky charm on her hand, and her brain was so out of the loop. 

If he hadn’t been there, if he hadn’t ridden his bike in the middle of the road, if he hadn’t taken her arm and pulled her to his lap, if he hadn’t flown the scene… she doesn’t want to think about it. 

She is still vulnerable, still wounded and in recovery, and the suit is doing it’s best to help her through that, but as magical as it is, it also feeds off her, and at not being in her best health, the suit can’t give the best protection. 

Marinette chuckles as the stars become blurry. How did she get here? When did her already complicated existence become worse?

If he could only pinpoint the moment, then she would make it impossible to erase it all, to make different decisions, to take different paths. 

In between questions she falls down the rabbit hole, falling completely asleep. 

**xx**

Note to self: as good quality a suit is, it never will compare to having magic fabric wrapping around you. 

He gives one check to the bandages he’s wrapped around his torso and puts on the jacket again, tearing up the torn parts of it inside the garbage can on the corner of the alley.

His rented bike is parked there, and Adrien uses it to propel himself to hang from the side of a balcony and with that begin his climbing into the roof. 

He misses how easy this used to be, only one click on the baton and he was up and above. A deep wound under his ribs doesn’t make it any easier, but he manages to get to the top. To get to her. 

She didn’t get hurt, but he is certain that she isn’t in the best shape that she can be, and after two weeks and a few days of following her in silence, of not approaching, today he was of help, and he thinks he might still be able to help her. 

A scratch from the inside of his body rips through his being, and he looks down to the wound to his chest, as he touches around to check if there’s no other bruise or open flesh that he missed the first time. They are only bruises he realizes, that will get worse tomorrow morning, but right now are only an inconvenience. It probably was only a bad move of his part that made the pain worse. 

Adrien completely forgets about it when she sees Ladybug sleeping in the middle of the roof. 

He smiles at the antennas, that’s something new no photo has been able to catch. It makes her look adorable, even if a part of him misses the old suit. He’s sure she likes this one much better, is prettier, more creative, it matches her perfectly, yet a voice inside his mind makes him believe that his absence is what brought this change.

Kneeling he moves a few pieces of hair that stick to her forehead away and then retracts back. She wouldn’t welcome that intimacy, not anymore. 

It’s tragic really, to notice how something familiar, something he didn’t use to think twice now is forbidden. 

But, he needs to touch her to carry her somewhere else, he can’t let her lie here on the outside, for anyone to come and hurt her. 

He touched her only an hour ago when he pulled her hand and carried her on his lap as he rode away from the akuma. He hadn’t planned that acting out of instinct but maybe he should have. She’d look terrified. 

How would she react now?

It is better to wake her up and ask her, he doesn’t want to break any more boundaries.

He pulls the shield of the helmet down and he takes a deep breath, then when he feels ready he shakes her shoulder softly. 

Surprisingly, that gentle touch is all it takes. Her eyes flutter open and she catches sight of him, which makes her jump and sit instantaneously. 

Her arms fold to her chest and she looks ready to throw a punch, but then she relaxes.

The smile that pulls the corners of his lips is impossible to control. The ease of her position, the way her eyes softened as well as her smile. She doesn’t know who he is, but he has gained her trust. 

The rush of euphoria is quickly matched to the one of guilt. This isn’t his objective, but he realizes how deceiving he is being by covering his face. 

His mouth is open but he can’t make himself talk. He knows she’ll recognize his voice and then it all will crumble down one more time. 

“Do you work for the government?” Ladybug inquires and leans forwards.

Adrien creates more distance between them.  
“No.” He says in a deep voice, as low as his register allows him. 

It makes her frown, and she kneels too, looking awake. 

“Are you playing hero then?” She asks, and her expression changes, her arms go back to be close to her, closing in fists, “You helped me today… but you’ve been following me for weeks… _why?_ ”  
“You needed help,” He doesn’t know if the fake voice is working but it is better than to keep quiet, that will make her mad. 

Ladybug’s frown deepens, and her head tilts to the side.

“Who are you?”

Adrien gulps.

She knows, god she knows, she has to know. She’s a genius and Alya has suggested that Chat is the one under the helmet, and there are only a few people insane enough to pull something like this. 

“Who are you? Why are you doing this? What are you gaining from it?” She’s not angry, but there’s desperation in her voice. 

“ _Lady-_ ”

She shouts and springs away from him, her eyes wide open and her mouth trembling. 

“What do you think you’re doing?! Does it look like I need you?!” 

Yes, _she knows._

“Do you think this will make me forgive you? Playing hero out there, being loved again by the citizens, being adored and admired!” Her laugh pierces through the silence like a shotgun, and the bullet lands on his heart, “What do you want to gain from this?!”

“Bug-

She throws her yo-yo at him, it hits right on his left arm and oh boy, does it hurt. 

“Don’t you dare call me anything! Don’t you dare even look at me!” She shrieks. 

“Ladybug,” He says again, hands up in front of his chest as he takes one step forwards, hoping that this will open a conversation, “I promise-

“Your promises mean nothing to me! You mean nothing to me!”

It’s the sob that comes out of her lips that lets him know that what she just said is a lie, and yet it doesn’t make the torment of the words any better. 

“I’m only keeping an eye on you. You said it yourself, I’ve been following you but only today you needed my help-

“I don’t need your help!”

“You need help. If you don’t want mine, which I understand, then call someone!” He says exasperated, “You can’t do it alone, it’s not a one-man job and you’re hurt-

“Who’s fault is that?!” She grunts and sniffs, cleaning her tears and maintaining her frown in what looks like a staged expression. 

“Mine.” 

Her gaps echoes and her eyes widen even more. He can see that she wasn’t expecting accountability. He can’t blame her, he is not one to ever face the consequence of his actions, and that is what has maintained his childish reactions. 

“Yes, yours,” It’s clear that it pains her to nod along, “If _that_ is clear, then how can’t you see that I don’t want anything to do with you?”

“You don’t have to interact with me. I’m just-

“I don’t want you close, I don’t want you watching me.”

“Then call for reinforcement. Then find another partner.”

“I don’t-” She stutters and breaths heavily, “I can do it alone.”

“Alright, then I’ll keep lurking.”

That enrages her.

“No. You’re not welcomed anymore, don’t you fucking get it?”

“I get it, but I won’t let you swing through rooftops and fight villains on your own.”

“Oh, _now_ you won’t let me, but when I fell off the roof with no magic protecting me, where was that attitude?”

Is this how dying feels like? Because he can’t imagine anything worse than to hear that coming from the woman you love, to see her pupils shake with wrath, to see disappointment accumulating on the bags of her eyes, to see every wound you’re responsible for. 

“I know I don’t deserve forgiveness, that I’m not worthy of anything, that I shouldn’t be here at all, but I can’t let you go through this alone. If you want me gone then call for another holder, call for another black cat.”

There’s no answer, only a loud sob and then she spins around. 

He watches in slow motion as her heel bends, and she staggers. 

Adrien reaches forward and holds her by her waist. 

Ladybug hisses and snaps her arm away. 

“ _Don’t touch me!_ ” That scream might as well reach Normandy. 

“I- “ He puts his hands away and takes a step to the left.

“Don’t touch me, don’t touch me, don’t touch me,” She keeps repeating, but is her who engages in touching him. 

The first punch lands on his stomach, the next on his pectoral, and then she keeps reaching different parts of his chest and abs, sometimes his arms. 

“I hate you,” Hit, “I hate you,” This time she hits harder “I hate you so much!” She shouts and keeps hitting, the palms of her hands, her fists her arms, it’s chaotic and yet he lets her do whatever she wants. He lets her anger come out in the most violent way she can show.

Every hit pounders against his chest, against his heart, and the open wound. But it doesn’t matter, because he would bleed to death right here if that makes her feel better.

She mutters under her breath, is all gibberish in his ears but the message is well received, it is a good escort to the punches and it is the cherry on top for the hate that radiates from her aura. 

He hears words like ‘blue’, ‘cat’, ‘betrayal’ and many others that don’t make sense in the order they land, but he can paint a picture with them, and all that she’s said before is enough to confirm that he will never be worthy to be in her presence again. 

Suddenly, the punches stop and she doesn’t flee from him.

Adrien opens his eyes, not realizing he had them closed and watches her shaky motions. 

Ladybug brings her hand close to her, touching her fingertips against her palm and observing. 

Her eyes jump back to him and so does her hands, pushing the jacket to the side, to see better through the torn fabric.

She doesn’t speak but her eyes are screaming what she is thinking, the tears only a compliment of her panic. 

“It 's fine.” He lies

She touches again, pressing her fingertips only slightly, and he flinches. He can’t pretend that the sting is because of her hits anymore.

In a swift move, she opens the zipper of the jacket and pushes it away, making it fall a little on his shoulders, granting a view of the bandages wrapped around him. 

Her fingers press against the wound one more time, and dark red expands on the white cloth. 

“You need to go to the hospital.” Her voice is tiny and she won’t stop touching the spot. 

“I will stitch it myself at home.” He’s done it before, with tinier, less grave injuries, but he’s done it. 

Ladybug seems stuck in the motion, pressing fingertips against the wound, blood wetting her suit, opening her fingers together to check, and then repeat. 

He wants to pull her hand away but he doesn’t want to ignite her hostile reaction again. 

“It will cause more damage,” She stops pressing but her hand stays there, “You’ll have to bend and… you can come up with a lie for Nathalie later.”  
Adrien tsks and throws his head back. 

Ladybug knows, she truly knows. 

Her late visit to his room was confusing then but more now. If she so intensely wants him away from her, what pulled her to him?

He feels like laughing. What a stupid question that is? If his overwhelming feelings were knotty, then he can’t imagine how complex hers are. 

“That’s not an option,” He answers, “It’s fine, I’ve done it before.”

Her following words are astonishing.

“I’ll do it.”

“ _What?!_ ” It’s a reflex, but what else can he say but that?

She can’t even bear to touch him. 

“I said I’ll do it,” Her sight falls and she finally stops touching him. “I can stitch on my sleep.”

He opens his mouth to protest, to remind her that just seconds ago she rather saw him dead than to stumble her sight with his, and now she is saying that she wants to help him; but he knows better than to do so and keeps quiet. 

In chilling silence and with a big space between them, they climb down to where the motorcycle is parked.

“Can you ride?” It’s a whisper that could have been hidden by the singing wind. 

“Yes,” He nods even if he is unsure that he can, and sits on the bike, “Do you want me to-

“I’ll meet you there.” Without any warning, she swings her yo-yo and flies away. 

Adrien’s hand falls under his ribs, the wet spot only becoming bigger. He was ready to bleed out for her if that’s what she asked, but now he crosses his fingers and begs to the universe to let him go back home, back to her, in one piece. 

If there’s a big magical being out there, they heard him, because Adrien manages to get back at home, climb the tree and sneak into his room before completely feeling the sleepiness that comes with losing blood. 

And Ladybug is already there, standing beside his desk, with a first aid kit open.

He throws the helmet to the couch and shakes his hair. A thought crosses his mind that this is the first time that he is without a mask with both of them knowing that they were once partners, but the pain and fatigue take over any logic that he can have right now.

“Let’s do this quickly,” She says and with her finger points out at him and then to the bed. 

Adrien nods and chasées to the bed, taking off his clothes, only leaving his pants, and lets himself fall with arms open to the sides on the mattress. 

Ladybug throws a towel on him, that falls right over his mouth and she sits, leaving as much distance as she can while also being able to touch him. 

The alcohol-damped cloth comes without a warning, making Adrien whimper. 

Ladybug doesn’t say sorry, she just keeps cleaning the wound. She pours more alcohol and then serum to clean in the more irregular parts on the flesh and not the skin. She’s meticulous and cautious and Adrien watches her every move.

When it's time to stitch, she only announces it by wiggling the needle in her hands as she approaches the wound, and without any hesitation, she pierces through his skin. 

He bites into the towel and closes his eyes, receiving the first stitches uncomfortably and slowly getting used to the sting. 

“Is it therapeutic?” He asks, a little groggy.

“Do you truly believe that it brings me pleasure to see you in pain?”

“Not what I said,” He points out.

“Keep quiet.”

“Yes, my lady,” The needle pierces somewhere it should, and he hisses. His hand wraps around the sheets and he bites on the towel he has in front. 

He knows when he went wrong without her saying it. But he is so out of it that he isn’t processing his words, he only lets them spill. 

“I thought you were dead.” He hears himself say.

“For a second I thought so too,” She answers and he is surprised that she does. 

“I thought I had killed you. I thought you were gone.”

Her stitching stops, and she looks at him. There’s no love in her eyes, but for that moment there’s also not any hate.

“What would have you done if you had?” The question is a trap, there’s something she wants out of it. It is a way for her to know what he believes will redeem her.

What she doesn’t know is that he has already accepted that there’s nothing in the world he could do.

Nonetheless, he answers honestly.

“I would have followed you.” Because he would follow her anywhere. 

“Do you think that-” She stops mid-phrase, and shakes her head from side to side. 

Ladybug goes back to stitching his wound, with less gentleness this time around and once it’s over she picks the bandages and tears them messily before putting them on over his wounds and then, after he takes a seat, around his body. 

It’s over too quickly for his liking. Now she’ll be gone and he’ll be lonely again. 

She stands up and goes back to the desk, putting all back inside the aid kit.

He lies back on the bed not wanting to see her go, tears appear on his eyes and he bites his lip to not let a sob escape. 

Her steps are soft yet loud, and when she gets to the window it chirps when she opens it. 

Then, clear as water, she speaks.

“I don’t want to see you, that doesn’t mean I want you dead.”

Adrien believes that, but it feels just the same because without her he does feel dead, he does feel as if nothing makes sense anymore nor its worth living. 

“I’ll have a partner soon, so you can stop following me.”

His arms fall on his face as he covers himself as a way of protection of her words, as a way to not let her see how he’s already shaking, and how his tears have taken over his face. 

It is a goodbye, a goodbye forever and pours acid all over him until he is only bones and a beating broken heart. 

The window closes and he knows she is gone. 

And for all that night and the three following days, he walks through life thinking that this is the end, that this is all the closure he is going to get.

Until Saturday, past midnight, when there’s a knock on his window. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 10k damn i call this a miracle

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed   
> all the love x


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